Man has this been a busy but wonderful week. The folks and I plus some good friends and neighbors celebrated Christmas together. We exchanged gifts and had a nice but simple dinner - a large ham cooked in the oven, turnips mashed potatoes with tons of gravy and Pilsbury knockoff rolls. Yum! After eating we passed out the gifts and I’m delighted to announce that for once I didn’t get any socks as presents! YAY! (It must have been the prior warnings and the shovel I was holding that convinced them all this time I was serious)

It was a nice quiet casual day, everyone strolled in whenever they felt like it. One thing was for sure, they knew what time dinner was and they all made sure to come over with plenty of time to spare in case the ham was done early. No one wants to miss good grub! After dinner and the gifts we just relaxed, stuffed to the gills with delicious food and the company of good friends. *sigh*

I know not everyone enjoys this time of year for various reasons but the one thing I’ve learned above all else is this is the time no matter how you feel to take pleasure in the simple fact that you’re still breathing and as long as you are, no matter what comes along there’s always the possibility that things can and will get better. It’s about faith, family and friends and while we might not get along with each other all the time deep down we know if there’s trouble we’ll come running and help each other out. It doesn’t matter if family problems are getting you down or personal problems or just too damned many happy people that make you feel like there’s something wrong with you because you’re not as happy as they are - as long as you’re alive things can get better.

Or, if that doesn’t work for you, try this take on things. As long as you’re alive there is still time to piss people off royally. Every second of every day you still draw breath you can use that time to annoy someone. You can make someone else’s life even more miserable than your own and then you can look back at things and go “Well at least I’m not having as bad a day as Bob over there.” Of course that’s because you fire-bombed his car. Or shaved his dog or better yet put some hungry pirahnas in his 100-gallon fish tank of rare tropical fish…

…yeah, poor Bob. But darned if that doesn’t make your life look a whole lot better. So smile, kick back and buy some rabid cannabilistic fish. Hope that helps brighten your outlook a little! (Poor Bob!) With that I leave you our Happy Holidays Family & Friends picture. On the left is me, our 2 neighbors and my Mom and Dad after Christmas dinner. (Faces have been obscured to protect their identities - they really don’t want people to know they like me.)

Oh and before I go I have a few more things to say. On Dec. 26th Chris Pirillo and the CFH/TechTV staff surprised the world by helping people with their computer problems for 18hrs straight. GOOD JOB GUYS! It’s high time any brass that still doesn’t understand this is where their focus should be left and got jobs at Denny’s. The staff listened and gave us what we wanted, stop ignoring them Mr. Executives; the undeniable proof is right before your stupid eyes. Also, I’m sad to announce that Santa didn’t come up with the goods and he’s now down eight reindeer…

HAPPY HOLIDAYS PEOPLE!

Man, has it been a popular month for my services. So far I’ve been a babysitter, designated driver for parties and appointments, family photographer, movie companion, quick make us laugh guy and a let’s check out the new buffet person. Every time I close the door, there’s a knock or a phone call asking if I’m available to do something or go somewhere. This month my services have been very popular. I’m happy happy and you know why? Because all the people that are calling on me are my friends and the one thing I love to do is help my friends out if I can. Why? Because (a) that’s what friends are for (b) there was no one else on the planet they could call because they called them all and © usually payment is in food. Good food. Food is a good thing™.

Hear that sound? That light scratching sound? That’s someone penciling me into their day-planner. You see folks, I am what I call a ‘place holder’ or ‘chew toy’. Don’t want to go to a movie or dinner alone? Call me. Don’t want to do something distasteful alone? Call me. Lonely? Call me. Something bad happened and you need someone to calm you down? Call me. Want to escape the little ones and go see a movie or dinner or party with some adults for a change? Call me. I’ll come a’running as long as there is food or broadband internet access involved somewhere. I’ve taped stuff for friends that forgot to set their VCR. I’ve gone to stores to make sure they got the right DVD player or computers and hooked it all up and made sure everything worked ok. I’ve given advice on how to write to CNN and other major news networks to protest stuff or word important letters. Hey, like I said what are friends for? I’m darned happy to help.

Which got me to thinking. It’s high time I auctioned off my spare time to do things or go places with complete strangers in exchange for currency. Moola. Money. Bucks. Cold hard cash. That’s right I’m talking about turning myself into a time-share. I’m thinking about putting up a website where people can bid for my time and what they want me to do for them and highest bidder wins a slice of my what seems to be very valuable time. You pay for a slice o’my time plus shipping and I’ll be there.

Need someone to prove to your co-workers that you actually have a friend? Buy me. Want to convince total strangers that you’re not a loser and you don’t go to parties or movies alone? Buy me. Want someone to entertain you on a moment’s notice? Buy me. You’re a highly successful female super-model and you want to know what it’s like to have days of endless passion with a commoner/bum? Buy me. Yeah, I really think I’m onto something here…

See folks, helping friends is one thing and I LOVE doing it but helping complete strangers is where the real money’s at. Get me while I still have time left for you, people. I’m going fast! ka-chiiinnnggg!

Move over Steve Irwin and your little crocodile pals, it’s time to make room for Scott Herriott: Bigfoot Hunter. Some of you may remember Scott, a wonderful and gifted (ie “touched") performer from a channel called ZDTV/TechTV. He’s won an Emmy award for his work co-hosting a fun hip show called Internet Tonight, with Michaela Pereira. What you may not know is Scott is an avid believer and enthusiast of a creature called Bigfoot aka Sasquatch. Well, Scott was interviewed recently in TheWave - a Bay Area e-magazine. (Click the link) and find out all about Scott’s trips into the woods to look for ‘Squatch, his personal beliefs on whether we’ll ever find proof of this elusive creature’s existence and how he feels about the Loch Ness monster. It’s a great interview and a good read. Good luck on your upcoming helicopter trip, Scott! That pic there is Me, Scott & Dave © TechTV

In other news, I’m pretty much done with my Xmas shopping (are you?) after realizing while I may have some great friends, I don’t have great enough friends to spend my money on. Bwa-ha-ha! (kidding, thank god for gift certificates). I’d also like to take this time to tell people to download Trillian, a wonderful IM program that connects to all main instant-messenging clients. This sucker is absolutely great and that’s a hellova recommendation coming from me, since I loathe IM proggies. Thanks Darci.

Oh, don’t think I forgot about you Santa. Pay up or you’re going to be a little short in the flying reindeer department… like all-of-em short…hehehe

I’d like to report (much to the dismay of some of you out there) that rumors of my demise were not only premature, but laughable. Yessir, I took the best punishment you all could have imagined and came out not only myself, but stronger than ever before. HA!

Did you really think that babysitting my SIX adopted neice and nephews while their folks ran for it would do me in?! I mean come on people, was that the best you could dream up? Oh yeah I’m sure some of you thought that watching 6 hyper kids ages 3-14 would do me in, but really you shouldn’t have wasted all that money hiring them and doping them up on caffeine and sugar thinking with all of them together I’d meet my match and my maker. I heard about all the side-bets about exactly what time I’d be “crossing over"…

HA! I not only survived, I came out of it stronger than ever. Unca Vinny rules! I laugh in the face of danger; I eat at the table of other people’s misery and I basked tonight in the warm glow of their little whiney voices crying ‘feed me’, ‘we’re sooo hungry’, ‘water’, and ‘please untie me I hafta goto the bafroom…’

BWA-HA-HA-HA-HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I am full to the brim with so much of their anguish the Evil Batteries of Darkness ™ are fully charged and I can now go out into the world and happily share it with the unsuspecting people before me.

Unca Vinny’s baaaaaaaccccckkkk…

It’s this special time of the year, this joyous holiday season of love and caring that warms my heart, tickles my toes and reminds me of something really important. Namely that a certain fat man in a red suit had better come to my house with several truckloads of expensive goods if he ever wants to see his reindeer again. I’ve got large pots ‘n kettles, some sharp carving implements and more than one cookbook focusing on tasty venison dishes. And thanks to Martha Stewart, I have endless ideas for the non-edible leftovers; I’m going to make some hide rugs, antler coat-stands, hoof lamps and I’ve got a really great project in mind for a small red ball that glows…

…yes it’s this time of the year where I finally get even with laughing-overweight-boy for all those “gifts” of underwear, socks and used hankies. All those years of waiting for that pony and never getting it. Or asking him for other small gifts like World Peace, Claudia Schiffer’s phone number and absolute power only to be disappointed year after year after year. I remember bawling my childish eyes out every Xmas Morn’ because I knew Mr. Jolly-boy didn’t care and was laughing at me inbetween all the Ho-Ho-Ho’s. *sniff* honk! *sob* This year’s gonna be different, you hear me Nick?! You’re no saint, man! I’m onto you!

I WANT that pony.
I want Claudia Schiffer.
I want that absolute power!

Or the deer get it and the elves are next (there will be a few more lawn gnomes sold on eBay). You got it laughing-boy? Huh?! You’d better deliver this Xmas or it’s time to get a few robots assembly workers, tape some flashlights to the sleigh and hook it all up to a surplus jet engine.

Yessir, this Christmas is going to be special….