It seems like every time we open our e-mail we never really know what’s waiting for us. Usually it’s Endless Kegs O’ Spam and any time we hit that check mail button it’s an adventure of futility. It happens to everyone. Most people get irritated, angry and upset but I love having fun and start responding to the spammers in my head. Sure, it’s crowded with all the voices and that lost Mars probe but hey, it’s something to do when I’m not crafting pursuasive letters to Santa telling him that he’d better stop by with tons of gifts if he knows what’s good for him. So without further ado and adon’t, here’s my Inbox and what I’m thinking of when I read what’s in it:

Julie Wear: Cut your Interest by Half - You’ve cut it all the way; I’m 100% disinterested now.
Allan: Christine has your - dog? parents? harp-seal? money? phlegm collection? change? used gum wrappers? missing slippers? What?! Spit it out!
Tin-Lan Dush: Instant messengers - Wait, wait, I know this… instant messengers… ah… wait, I think it’s… ah no I give up. I-M me and let me know, ok?
Lou Barns: quardb ye Pr0nography found on your machine - No kidding; really? Who the heck did you think put it there. It’s all right where I left it, genius. D-u-h…I can see it now. You found p0rn on my machine honey? It must have been a virus. What? 23gigs of thespians? Wow, that sure is some massive virus sweetie; looks like it’s time to update Norton Anti-virus again… *whew*
Tam: she does a horse belz - If the horse is ok with it, I don’t care what PETA says.
Matthew: do you like kinky rtrydger - No. I prefer my rtrydger tame and docile thankyouverymuch.
Ghemza5St@standorfnet: Make money now - I’m working on it, please pass me the lead ingot and vial #213…
willquardbye: 1Lisa - No, but can I rent her?
Candy: Extreme feminine launch/ejacul4t - Saw it on Google News but thanks for passing that on.
Lillie: Big chests - Graze? Stop speeding bullets? Are fun? Mad? C’mon, stop with the half-sentences already!
7900DollarPlatinum: Your Easy qualified/approved platinum card - If it’s approved why do I have to fill out anything? Send it already, I have bills to pay and I’m having a little difficulty with that lead/gold make money now thing.
Candy: Extreme feminine launch/ejacul4t - I emailed you already and told you I heard about it, why are you still bothering me?
YouNeedUs: Make your wang 3 inches bigger - Are you nuts, if I do that my Kaypro will start to feel insecure…
Laurie: W1ld Sex Tapes, delivered to you - You’ve never heard of Kazaa, have you? Do you take lead ingots?
Evangelica Fredericksburg Hatterfield: I have been searching for a long time - Hopefully for a shorter name or a lawyer to go after your parents. I think you have an open and shut case, EF.
Tad: she rides a horse qshvbfgrtzx - I know already, I saw the video. Yeesh. Do it the other way around maybe and then you’re… well, sick that’s what you’d be.
Angie: re: - re: what? You’re replying to me about nothing? Gee, thanks!
qwuadbye@was9@asfg@wv: we shop for u - OK, I’ll take 2 bags of Wise Bar-B-Q chips, 1 gallon of milk, garlic powder, Chunky Chicken Corn Chowder soup and a @#$%&#ing dictionary. That last one’s for you. YOU. Not u. Idiot!
Ellen Joyhnson: we have de cure - Lemme guess, I have the disease. A brain is NOT a disease nitwit, but stupidity sure seems to be catching. Grrrr!
James Fraiser: Stop SPAM now - OK - STOP SENDING ME IT!!!!
Geran Hyrtrtrzaza: Enlarge your chest - Be the best! Get the rest! Pass the test! Sis! Boom! Ba! Gooooo Team Idgits! YAAAAAYYYYY!!!!
Hunger Fjord: I need a loan - Sorry, I have all my money tied up with that guy from Nigeria that’s sending me $35million. Take that, suckers!

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go to the bank and wait for that wire transfer. Until we read again… goodbye.