A week ago, at 5:45am, forest ranger Teddy Wilheim drove into Sequoia National Park as he had done for the last 45 years only to find nothing but total devastation.

“The forest was just…gone,” Ranger Wilheim shrugged. “There was nothing left but some scattered twigs, pieces of bark and a wasteland of just…oh my god …stumps. *sob* Someone *gasp* took all the trees overnightJesus, they cut ‘em all down! Who would do such a thing? My lord, how is this possible?! *sob* I *sniff* knew all the trees by sight… I … I named them. They talked to me. *sob* Told me things. Secrets. They liked it when I rubbed up against them. Naked. I petted them. I knew they loved me. THEY TOLD ME THEY LOVED ME! *sniff* But now they’re … they’re … they’re gone! allgoneohmygod! whocoulddo! suchathing!!! wwwwAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa!” *sob*

Unlikely as it seems all the trees in the park were ripped out of the ground in a single evening - from the Coast Redwoods (the world’s tallest trees) to the prized gems of the park, the 3000 year old Giant Sequoias - cut down to nothing but mere stumps; all were gone.

Co-incidently, a week later millions of people all over the world started receiving a new batch of AOL 9.0 disks in the mail. In wood cases. Wood. Not a simple cardboard CD mailer, or a tin but an actual wood case holding a single AOL 9.0 disk. Yep. Nothing wrong with that, nosiree…

To date the police, local officials and the Federal Gov’t (incl. the Dept. of Fish and Game) have no leads or suspects in the wholesale slaughter of Sequoia National Park. Nor are they expecting any breakthroughs in the case anytime soon.

Sonufa… damn you to Hell, Steve Case!! You could have stuck to cardboard, you evil bastard!!