Well I’ve sure been a busy lad this past week; house and bull-dog sitting, helping out my neighbors, driving instructor and in the few seconds of spare time left, creating a website for a very dear friend. The last of which is what I really want to talk about right now that everything’s done and looking good.

(drum roll please)

They say a journey starts with just one step… but this sucker is going to take a lot of them. Ladies, gentleman, kids and locked up house pets, I announce to you all a brand new documentary that just came out by a good friend, Scott Herriott called WALK. Come along an amazing journey as hikers attempt a 2,650+ mile trek along The Pacific Crest Trail - a national scenic trail stretching from Mexico through the Western United States up to Canada; filled with delights, personal triumphs, pitfalls and excruciating half-hours.

Minnietaur and I have seen this latest gem of a documentary by our friend Scott Herriott and we freaking loved it! Scott as many may remember used to host a wonderful program called Internet Tonight on ZDTV, has appeared on the Aaron Brown Show and is the creator of other fun and fine documentaries called Journey Towards Squatchdom (a mockumentary), Squatching and now WALK.

I was happy to not only have watched WALK but it was my extreme pleasure to build the Official WALK website for Scott after he asked me to. Please hike on over to www.walkpct.com to learn more about this cool documentary and how to order your very own copy on DVD!

If you like the great outdoors, wonderful scenery, interesting folks and following the journey of a group of intrepid hikers attempting this 2650+ mile arduous trail then hey, what can I say - go clickey and buy-ey! Now-ey!

I loved it so much I slaved over a hot keyboard to make the website. And played tug-of-war with a bulldog but that’s another story for another day. Please head over there now to see more about it. OK?

(Hmmm… I wonder if I told him I take payments…)

Grammar in the Machine
By: Vincent B. Navarino

*** FLASH! *** This just in:

There’s an extremely tense and unusual drama unfolding today in downtown New York. It seems a distraught woman is holding a group of high school students hostage at a McDonald’s restaurant.

Earlier this morning Ms. Elley Norman, a well-respected English teacher at St. Hartman High School, walked into the establishment wielding a large (and extremely heavy) Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary and an American made Daisy air rifle. Swinging wildly, she forced all of the customers, except for 12 high school students, out of the building. It has been reported that all of the teens are part of their school’s computer club.

The police arrived shortly at the scene, along with LAPD’s esteemed SWAT team (which immediately began to pump rounds into the crowd at random). Ms. Norman sent out the dictionary-whipped, but otherwise unharmed manager with a note. It then became clear that Ms. Norman was upset at the dwindling reading level of high school students that used computers. The final straw seemed to have occurred when she logged onto a local BBS and began reading teen-agers’ posts there. Rumor has it that she snapped and went insane due to the poor use of grammar and punctuation that comprised the bulk of their messages.

The note said that she was holding the children hostage until they learned to “properly implement, understand and comprehend the use of the English language.”

Police are prepared for a long siege.

Hostage negotiators repeatedly attempted to communicate with Ms. Norman to end the situation only to put off by her well worded, but menacing replies.

Said Capt. Lou Phillips of the LAPD Hostage Negotiation Squad in a written statement to this newscaster:

“It seems Ms. Norman, upset at the lack of english
articulation skill amongst high school students,
took it upon herself to set things to right and
force kids to learn how to properly use and respect
the english language before they dared touch a
computer.”

When asked his opinion of the situation at the scene, Capt. Phillips responded, “Hey, I tink she’s a &^%! loon. But if dat broad hoits one of dem kids, who knows what?!”

After pressing him about his response, Capt. Phillips admitted to using Grammatik’s IV grammar checker for all written statements. Rumor has it that McDonald’s has offered to pay all college tuition for any of the hostages, when released, that choose to pursue English degrees upon graduating high school.

We’ll keep you all posted as to the outcome of this surprising and startling event. And now to Bill for the weather . . . {RAH}
———-
Vincent B. Navarino is one of those rare, funny and talented (not to mention modest) Sysops who runs a bbs and that’s why he’s called a… never mind, you know. He is rumored to be quite mad. He can be found on his BBS laughing at the cries of his peasants . . . er . . . users. When asked his opinion on clubbing Olympic-bound ice-skaters, he replied, “Why? They’re not real hairy and people would look at you funny if you wore their pelts.”

Note: This humor article of mine originally appeared in Random Access Magazine in March of 1994. RAH was a humor e-zine from the old days, when BBS’s roamed the earth and not just anyone “got published". :-)

Dear Sirs:

Please let your superiors know that I, a loyal consumer of your wonderful products, am boycotting your company forthwith. I can no longer keep a blind eye on what your company is up to lately without cashing in what’s left of my poor, tired and lackluster soul. I have tried to give your company the benefit of the doubt far too many times and can no longer in good conscience support your company by buying your products and the products of any companies you hold or are affiliated with.

While I hope that one day your executives change their evil ways I cannot wait any longer in the hopes there will be a positive change over there. Please see to it that no one from your company responds as I wish this separation between us (consumer and company) to be complete. I personally hope that everyone at your company burns in the total, writhing fiery pit of vileness that they so richly deserve. As the flames of pure torture lick their way to cleansing the filth that infest all of you over there I hope that your shrill, agonizing screams of rebuking reach my ears so I can dance to your pain in return for the cruel anguish you have inflicted on me and many others in the world.

I shall dance to the beat of your suffering.
I shall sing the Song of Revenge as you all get yours as you roast.
I shall drool at the smell of your cleansing, toasting flesh.
I shall laugh as you scream afire.
I shall whistle a merry counterpoint to your wailing.
As the flames devour you my anguish will be cleansed with joyous rapture.

How dare you inflict Justin Timberlake on us during the half-time show you %^$#@ers at the NFL and MTV! YOU! WILL! PAY!

Sincerely,
Vincent Navarino
To: The NFL
cc: MTV
Subj: The Real NFL Halftime Show Controversy

*click* email sent…