Some days I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to be doing, you know? When I woke up last Saturday morning I did expect someone to call with plans. However, I had no idea it’d be Darci asking if Minnietaur and I wanted to go to a Metallica concert. Nope, I sure wasn’t expecting that. Nor was I expecting they were Steven Wozniak’s tickets and that he wasn’t going to make Metallica w/Darci and Kevin. Woz. *blink* Woz?! *huh?* The WOZ?! (pause) Founder of Apple computers Woz?! *processing* STEVEN FRIGGIN’ WOZNIAK?!!

Does… not… compute… bzzz!… ack… death… to… all… zzzt!… humans…

Translation: Cool!

After running a tad late due to traffic (tourists haaack *spit!*) we finally get there and wait by the ticket booth for Darci, Kevin and their friends. After they arrive we all get our tickets and full access backstage passes! WOO! Even better ours said Wozniak! on them. kaaa-ching! Hehe, the ones Minnie and I got said Mensch on ‘em too. *giggle*

Note: Please take this time to look at the all-access, laminated, back stage pass that says Wozniak on it with profound envy. Coolest concert souvenir ever! Yeah, baby!

We went inside and I was stoked to see Godsmack was playing. I really like them ever since I first saw their I Stand Alone video on MTV. Speaking of which, the Scorpion King was a very fun movie! You hear that Ugh Guy?! (Inside joke, only answerable internally.)

Our seats were a formality as our Woz passes got us right on the stage floor. There we were as Godsmack played their hearts out, 4 freaking feet away!

Note: Please look again at the Woz backstage pass and remember to bow in complete and humble servitude. Oh, and say something chinese sounding. Ahhhh-sooooo-lo-meeeeeeeoooooo…

I couldn’t believe my luck and thought that maybe this was some sort of sick, demented dream launched by my subconscious like that whole Claudia Schiffer/horse dream everyone gets. So I asked somebody to pinch me only to black out from excruciating pain as there were far too many wildly enthusiastic volunteers in the crowd. Which reminds me, the kicking in the ribs was a tad uncalled for people and yeah, to the lady that kept trying to kick my jewels back into my abdomen; it’s just not healthy to be that angry. *squeek* *squeek*

It was then that the group decided to go check out backstage and the VIP bar. After a bit we returned to the stage floor just before Godsmack launched into I Stand Alone (YES!!) before Metallica came on. This is my second concert ever and whatta night! The only thing missing was Claudia Schiffer and that pony…

I have to say this, even though I’m not a big Metallica fan, they really put on a good show; they really played their hearts out! The stage was circular, mikes were at 10′ intervals all along the stage and the drummer (Barfs? Bars, Marss? ugh) was on a moving, rotating segment. The lead singer, I call shirtless guy, not only moved from mike to mike all over the stage but stayed there for a few minutes and made eye contact with as many people in the crowd as he could. Time after time he was belting out the songs right in front of us, four freaking feet away! Very cool indeed! Go shirtless guy! You rock!

The other members of the band also went around the stage; very rarely was there no one directly in front of us as they played on. Drummer boy, stuck on a hidden leftover microwave rotator slowly moved all around the stage as well. Sitting down. What a trooper. Like I said they really really put on a good show and played their hearts out. Their encore alone lasted like 3-4 songs and then shirtless guy said they weren’t done, yet and they played some more. People who paid to go really got their money’s worth at their show; they’re truly a great live band! I can’t see anyone going to one of their shows and leaving disappointed or feeling ripped off. I really wonder how much bigger they’d be if they kept quiet about Napster…

Oh, a few funny things about the crowd. On the way down the steps to the stage floor we passed through many clouds of suspicious non-tabacco products. We were a tad bewildered when we walked though a cloud of actual tobacco and I was ready to tell the guy to put out his normal cigarette. How rude! While the band played I looked around and wasn’t the only one that realized this was probably the most un-coordinated group of concert goers ever. The head and arm-bobbing was all off-kilter. Oh yeah, and the little kid rocking out next to us was hysterical, even with his arms raised over his head he was 3′ tall and who could forget the crazy gyrating girl in front of us. What a show! I was more than a little shocked and weirded out to see some nutjobs raising their illuminated cell-phones instead of lit lighters. WTF?! (Oh and surprisingly Kevin & Darci weren’t one of them).

After the concert was over we headed backstage again and hung out at the VIP lounge for a while. Only truly stupid people try to leave a concert when everyone else is. The madness. The inhumanity. The traffic. The prancing ostriches in leiderhosen… *shudder*

Darci spotted a vertically-challenged Metallica staffer leading a group of people out of the lounge and said in her commanding voice “Follow them!” so we did. Usually we just ignore her when she uses that voice but this time the nickel came up heads and we cared. I was in the lead as staffer-boy took the group down a veritable labyrinth of corridors, hallways, and dark scary places. He opened an ominous, secretive looking black door and hurried the group inside. I was right behind him when he went to close the door and noticed me behind him walking in.

He hesitated. I didn’t. I kept walking. He was small. I was big. Mass and momentum was on my side. He looked at me. I looked at him. There was looking going on. And this was the exchange that followed as the shorty tried to stop the tall-ee:

“Are you with the group?” (tries to stop walking)
“We’re with Labmistress.” (kept walking causing him to restart walking into the room)
“Who?”
“Labmistress.”
“Who?”
“Woz. We’re with Woz.” (from Minnietaur)
“Woz?”
“Yes, we’re with Woz.” (at this point we were now in room thanks to my I’m bigger than you still walking skills)

Lesson: if you’re short you really can’t stop bigger people from entering a room. Hello Darwin! Thanks for the tip dude.

So now we’re in a room with the everyone from Metallica save for the lead singer, aka shirtless guy. We were going to get a few funny pictures with Lars, their anti-Napster drummer but he was eating and while we’re rude we’re not that rude. We mill around for a bit, Lars leaves, I take a photo of one of their equipment cases w/their logo on it only to find myself alone as the other brave, courageous and loyal members of Team Labmistress scurried away thinking I might be tossed out because I took a picture. Team Labmistress: our current motto is we’re sorta behind you all the way as long as we’re way way way behind you pretending we don’t know you. Feel the love…wussies :-)

We leave the room trying to track Lars down to no avail and on the way back some guy that looks familiar walks past us. So I shout “Hey!” he turns and I go “Where’s Lars?” He points and says “that way” and walks off. Everyone is laughing at the whole exchange, some are telling me I’m cruel and then it’s explained to me that was Metallica’s guitarist whatshisface. Apparently it’s funny to ask one member of a group where another band member is. *shrug* Hey, I’m me. We head back to the secret black door w/Metallica and it’s closed. Some people think this means we can’t get back in. Weird. Me being me, I step up to door, bang! bang! bang! and what do you know someone opens it. Gosh, I’m a genius. Simple, ain’t it?

I don’t know if it was short guy that opened the door, probably because he was below eye level and I wasn’t looking down. I didn’t bump into anyone walking in, so maybe he learned how to walk faster. Good for him!

Unfortunately Lars escaped and we were bummed because of all the things I was going to get him to do for us (he’s shorter so he’ll comply) and we all decide to call it a night and head for home. And thus endeth a very memorable Saturday indeedy! Thanks again to Darci and Kevin for asking us to go in Woz’s place and now we have the coolest geek concert souvenirs ever and some fond memories. *sigh*

Note: Please look at the Woz backstage Metallica passes again and remember to genuflect. Ahhhh-sooooo-lo-meeeeeeeoooooo…