As I wait for my RAM which should be here on Monday I started to think about squirrels. I don’t know why I started to think about them but I must say, squirrels impress me. The way they cavort, the way they dance, yes even the way rabid ones gnaw on your toes when you’re sleeping late at night in the forest. They’re cute, adorable and fuzzy, not to mention a tad territorial and angry when their space has been violated. A rabid squirrel can gnaw your face off when you’re sleeping in their forest and some have been known to kidnap babies for ransom. Most of the times it’s not about the money, they could care less and few if any of the ‘napped babies actually are ever seen again. Some are eaten, others are used for purely ornamental purposes and the rest are probably used as some sort of slave labor in an… err… uhm… a squirrel mine. Yeah, squirrels have mines, I mean where else are they gonna put all those babies?

The lucky babies get to be supervisors in the squirrel mine; the rest are put to hard labor shoveling coal for their fuzzy yet savage slave masters. The babies toil away, whipped by cruel (yet almost downy soft) squirrel tails when the falter, exhausted and without hope. Realizing that because of their stupid and careless parents’ transgressions they are forced to work a lifetime of slavery in the squirrel mines. Sadness fills them and their diapers as they toil endlessly; never to see the light of day. Immeasurably they despair as they crawl and push little baby-sized iron carts filled with coal, forced to carry their own excrement taped to their bottoms. Such is the bleak, despairing life of a squirrel baby miner. But hey, you wanted to take your kid into a friggin’ forest and camp right? What, you think you can so cavalierly ignore Squirrel Sovereignty without suffering the just retribution of righteous squirrely wrath?! Do you hear me you stupid, tree hugging, environmentalist nature freaks? Violate the borders of squirreldom again with your stupid porta-potties, tents, human garbage, poopies and your infernal polluting vehicles (especially your stupid SUVs and loud ATVs) and don’t complain as you suffer our Furry-ous Squirrel Wrath! We’re not nuts, we’re committed filthy human scum! *chitter* *chitter*

Oh, and please keep bringing your babies into the forest… *chitter* *chitter* Tasty… so tasty… *chitter*