Archives for: June 2004, 16

June 16, 2004

Observations and Rules to Live By

Worst Job in the World: Weedwhacking the Great Wall of China.
Best Job in the World: Weedwhacking a supermodel.
Scariest Job in the World: Weedwhacking Madonna.

Some Observations

Have you ever noticed those black borders on the top and bottom of those Japanese films? You’re supposed to squint when you watch them.

I saw a car the other day that said student driver and the kid was in a car seat! Later I saw a pickup from Montana with a “Goat Ropers Need Loving Too” bumper sticker. *shudder* While we’re talking about cars and the road, remember guys - if there are ladies in a car behind you they SO want you. Oh yeah, they do… the ones in front are stuck up. Yeah, that’s it - look in your rear view mirror studs and say hello to the ladies that want you. O, yeah… you da man. Who just crashed into a tree because you weren’t looking at the road and now that’s one less #$@!er that’s stopping me from doing 80 on the highway. One down, 235,000 to go…

Rules to Live By

Never go up in a NASA rocket after you see a mechanic staring all confused at a pile of tools. If he’s drinking heavily, it’s ok. If Scotty could do it on the Enterprise…

Never step in front of an oncoming train and call it performance art. It’s more of a high impact workout.

Never use a Jucie-O-Matic for other than its intended purpose. Perverts.

Never sneak up on a police officer covered in blood screaming “is murder still illegal?” waving a knife. Waving a halibut is safer but still not by very much.

Never use yourself as chum when fishing for sharks. That’s what neighbors, witnesses and ex-spouses are for. Lawyers won’t work. Sad but true.

Never call your pimp a wuss or $%#@! for brains.

Never take your toaster to bed on your honeymoon. It’s inappropriate. Plus if it’s a cool toaster she might get jealous not to mention the third-degree burns…

Never dress as Wally The Magical Lightning Rod in a thunderstorm to entertain the kids at a birthday party. Psst… dress the kids up instead and tape it.

Never purposely flay off someone else’s epidermis. Accidently is ok if they stand still for that long they deserve what’s coming to them.

Never target shoot with the stock pointed towards the target unless it’s loaded. Gomer.

Never walk across fiery coals with your feet soaked in kerosine to impress your girlfriend. She’s not worth it. Who is?

Never play music loud enough so that your parents can understand the words if you want to avoid years of counseling and therapy. Turn the volume down or stop buying albums titled “I like to Rub against French Poodles” or “Tuna Caresser Crossdresser.”

Never think of yourself as a non-conformist if you stick to it all the time. Idiot.

Never try to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop by using your razor on the balls of a rhino. It pisses off the rhino…

*click*

Posted by Vincent Navarino (who has an iPod) at 04:47PM • 5 comments »

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