Archives for: June 2004

June 25, 2004

Stupid Elephant!

YetiSports5-flamingodrive.jpg

If you haven’t heard of or played a Yetisport game then you’re obviously not of this earth. Team up a penguin and an abominable snowman, write some flash and you’ve got some fun free games that’ll drive everyone crazy.

The fifth and latest Yetisport game is called Flamingo Drive. It’s by far the best of the YS games; kind of like golf. That is if you tee up a penguin instead of a ball, use a flamingo as a club and try to avoid obstructions like trees, giraffes and elephants. You have 5 swings to hit the penguin/ball as far as you can. Shoot too high and you’ll be carried slowly back down by a buzzard. Hit the coiled snakes just right and spring your “ball” further in the air and if you hit them just right they’ll spring you past the obstacles. You can play online, or download the flash game to play on your Mac or PC. Try it and see who can get the best score online. Me, I just hit a 5052. Boo-ya!

You can tell if people are playing this game at home or work as cries of “stupid elephant,” “stupid snake,” and “stupid tree” fill the air. Try a Yetisport game today. The life you save could be your own… *swing!*

Stupid elephant!

Stupid tree!

Stupid giraffe!

Stupid snake!

Posted by Vincent Navarino (who has an iPod) at 07:27PM • 8 comments »

June 16, 2004

Observations and Rules to Live By

Worst Job in the World: Weedwhacking the Great Wall of China.
Best Job in the World: Weedwhacking a supermodel.
Scariest Job in the World: Weedwhacking Madonna.

Some Observations

Have you ever noticed those black borders on the top and bottom of those Japanese films? You’re supposed to squint when you watch them.

I saw a car the other day that said student driver and the kid was in a car seat! Later I saw a pickup from Montana with a “Goat Ropers Need Loving Too” bumper sticker. *shudder* While we’re talking about cars and the road, remember guys - if there are ladies in a car behind you they SO want you. Oh yeah, they do… the ones in front are stuck up. Yeah, that’s it - look in your rear view mirror studs and say hello to the ladies that want you. O, yeah… you da man. Who just crashed into a tree because you weren’t looking at the road and now that’s one less #$@!er that’s stopping me from doing 80 on the highway. One down, 235,000 to go…

Rules to Live By

Never go up in a NASA rocket after you see a mechanic staring all confused at a pile of tools. If he’s drinking heavily, it’s ok. If Scotty could do it on the Enterprise…

Never step in front of an oncoming train and call it performance art. It’s more of a high impact workout.

Never use a Jucie-O-Matic for other than its intended purpose. Perverts.

Never sneak up on a police officer covered in blood screaming “is murder still illegal?” waving a knife. Waving a halibut is safer but still not by very much.

Never use yourself as chum when fishing for sharks. That’s what neighbors, witnesses and ex-spouses are for. Lawyers won’t work. Sad but true.

Never call your pimp a wuss or $%#@! for brains.

Never take your toaster to bed on your honeymoon. It’s inappropriate. Plus if it’s a cool toaster she might get jealous not to mention the third-degree burns…

Never dress as Wally The Magical Lightning Rod in a thunderstorm to entertain the kids at a birthday party. Psst… dress the kids up instead and tape it.

Never purposely flay off someone else’s epidermis. Accidently is ok if they stand still for that long they deserve what’s coming to them.

Never target shoot with the stock pointed towards the target unless it’s loaded. Gomer.

Never walk across fiery coals with your feet soaked in kerosine to impress your girlfriend. She’s not worth it. Who is?

Never play music loud enough so that your parents can understand the words if you want to avoid years of counseling and therapy. Turn the volume down or stop buying albums titled “I like to Rub against French Poodles” or “Tuna Caresser Crossdresser.”

Never think of yourself as a non-conformist if you stick to it all the time. Idiot.

Never try to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop by using your razor on the balls of a rhino. It pisses off the rhino…

*click*

Posted by Vincent Navarino (who has an iPod) at 04:47PM • 5 comments »

June 12, 2004

Comedy Central

lewisblack.jpgDear Readers, it’s been more than 10 days since my last entry. I know what you’re thinking, what could I have possibly been doing to not have a ton of new blog entries up for everyone’s reading enjoyment?

Well, you see to be totally honest, I have been a tad busy. I know, I know everyone says that lame excuse but really it’s true. In the past 10+ days (heck this past month) I’ve seen live people, reinstalled Windows XP on my upgraded computer, house and dog sat for some good friends, went to a fabulous comedy show, watched a taping of the Tonight Show w/Jay Leno here in Vegas, been routinely attacked by the Stealth Bulldog, shopping, ate, slept, peed, went #2, showered, shaved, survived a trip to the DMV and tried like heck to read all my ever-growing backlog of PC Magazines. Which is an impossible task, as everyone knows by the time you read one issue, 2 more show up in the mail. Whoa mama!

Oh, and I also shaved some whales. A tragic accident due to a typo… best forgotten. Rest in peace Shamu, Tik-Tik, Wilbur and little Seamus. You’re truly free now.

So you see I’ve been a tad busy of late but hey, it’s always good to be appreciated and I promise to visit way more often here and let you know what I’m up to thinking and ranting about various things that irritate or confuse me.

Which reminds me. Anyone remember Keiko the killer whale? You know the star of Free Willy about a boy that falls in love with an orca and… and… y’know that really doesn’t sound right *shudder*

(sand blasts mental image from cranium)

So Free Willy is a movie starring a killer whale named Keiko. The movie was about a boy who befriended a captive orca and struggled to free him. As life so imitates art (because people are generally uncreative bastards) kids around the world save their pennies and their parents crack money and start a movement to free Keiko the killer whale. Long story short, it works and Keiko the whale after years of attempted retraining swims free in the waters of Norway as a huge and highly intelligent trained guppy that still does tricks and hangs with people. Hey, who cares, Keiko is free to do what she wants and later sadly she dies not too long afterwards. But she did die free and happy everyone agrees this is what matters and so they bury her on land.

THEY BURIED HER ON LAND?!

WTF?! These idiots celebrated Keiko’s return to freedom by imprisoning her on land?! Not the ocean? WTF?! She lived free, was captured, imprisoned, rescued and set free only to wind back on $%#@!ing land in death? Screwed, blued and tattooed! Holy Freaking Irony of Ironies Batman!

That’s the message kids. You think you’re a free being, a creature of the ocean and something special? We break you, force you to perform tricks for our pleasure and wallets and then you get uppity and think you deserve to be free as nature intended? Go ahead, think you’re special, swim happy in your native waters and we’ll wait. The minute you kick the bucket we’re dragging your stupid bloated carcass back on land and laugh as you decompose for all eternity. Entombed on land. A prisoner again for all time; the final blow of cruelty to a once free majestic aquatic being. What a tragic, mean end!

But hey don’t cry, we gave you a nice view of the ocean…

Posted by Vincent Navarino (who has an iPod) at 11:22AM • 5 comments »

June 1, 2004

My Kingdom for the Right Sized Pad!

Are you like the average computerist and have 10,000 notes scribbled all over the place? Can your chicken scratch be seen on napkins, envelopes, small children, dogs, iguanas; anything in range? Is everything that can be written on (and even things that can’t) filled with your illegible analog script?

Web urls, product model #’s, device driver names, email accounts, passwords, article notes, phone numbers, reminders, checklists, wish lists - all this and more is usually scattered all over a 20mile radius of any computer user’s room. Notes crammed in desks, accidently tossed out, obscured by coffee or cola spills, lost and/or forgotten is the plague of a computerist’s life.

There’s just no way to write it all down in one place. Have a pad, forget where it is, so you scrawl something on a postcard that’s closer. Writing everything is just not doable on the computer, far too awkward and unavailable in case of emergencies like power outages, computer crashes, typhoons, The Inquisition, not to mention stampedes of lustful oxen. This dilemma doth plague the computer user and their hectic, eclectic note-taking for eons. Give or take eons.

My kingdom for the perfect pad of paper! A pad where you can organize and write down everything! Whoever invents the perfect of pad of paper will rule the world! One that’s not too small that you have no place to write! One not too big it gets in the way of the mousepad or keyboard; or you have to bitch-slap the sleepy cat off the desk into the wastebasket filled with cranky piranhas just to lay it flat.

Ever look in a drawer and see how many random pieces of writeable material with unorganized indecipherable notes of old are? How does one organize such a mess?

You don’t.

Just venting. God my desk is a mess!

Hope you all lay awake at night thinking about this.

My kingdom for the perfect pad of paper!

Posted by Vincent Navarino (who has an iPod) at 10:18PM • 7 comments »

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This site and all contents within are © Vincent B. Navarino 2002-3010. All rights reserved. No part of this site may be used for commercial or non-commercial purposes without express written permission. This site's focus is on humor, parody and the incessant need to ridicule stupid people.

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