With the fourth hurricane aiming at the sunshine state, it’s pretty clear to even the agnostics that the Almighty hates Florida. The polls are in, the results speak for themselves:

1 Hurricane = Shut up
2 Hurricanes = I’m trying to tell you something
3 Hurricanes = Aren’t you dead yet
4 Hurricanes = *flush* silly people go down da hooooollleeee *flush*

Seriously, after like the 2nd hurricane if you’re not getting the message and don’t get the heck outta dodge you’re just asking for it. Ok, the hanging chad thing was asking for it, but seriously people what kind of sign do you need? MOVE!

PS. California’s next. *rumble* *rumble*

I recieved this email from a determined and resourceful operative called Observer. He maintains a highly popular investigative website called Deathpix which you’ve no doubt heard of. He’s the Matt Drudge of *shrug* well, he’s better than that. Anyways, here is the earth-shattering exclusive scoop on a major scam:

Subject: What is the Matrix…Ping Pong?
From: “Observer”
Date: Thu, 23 Sep 2004

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/pingpong.php

Observer
—-
Verbose sucker ain’t he? Like all deep-cover operatives they’re concise and quick to the point. You have to be when you’re a deep-cover investigative operative like Observer. Click the link above and see the real deal on how the Matrix effects were created. The shockwaves from this story/cover-up are no doubt going to be felt in the motion picture industry for ages!

Here is my reply thanking Agent Observer’s courage for coming forth with this footage and story in which he sacrificed much to bring to you. Well, ok the people he sent to investigate sacrficed but he had to write those next-o-kin sorry to inform you letters…

Dear Observer

(nono that sounds too familiar)

Dear Fred

(ok a touch too unfamiliar)

Observer

(hey, it’s short, brief and signifies that I’m cutting to the chase, being direct and know you’re name. If I said your first and last name it would signify that you were in trouble of some sort.)

Hey, Observer

(uhm, this initially sounds good but could also suggest it’s a setup for wanting something. Nope. Just replying to an email. Let’s go back to the one above shall we?)

Observer, thank you for that link it was fabu. I always thought the technical explanations for how the effects in the Matrix were done to be highly unlikely and overtly complicated. It was clearly a farce to throw off competitors from easily duplicating the Matrix effect shots and giving them more lead time until competing film makers were able to shoot similiar effects. The financial and technical costs alone would ensure that competitors were significantly tapped out to not be able to create better films and thus ensuring extending their profitable dominance in the industry by several years.

Well done, sir. Your investigative techniques and determination are to be heralded in song! No doubt many lives were lost to obtain this footage and we can only hope now that it’s seen the light of day the high cost at which it was obtained will be worth it.

Your service to your country and the motion picture industry, as well as your charity work with the Killed-As-Soon-As-They-Get-Here animal shelter, will be rewarded! Sleep easy tonight knowing that you have done a tremendous job for mankind…

Sincerely,
Vincent “B is for Booya” Navarino
Owner/operator of The Navarino Unincorporated forums
http://forums.navarinounincorporated.com

Please thank Observer for his hard work. It’s good knowing there are people out there that will sacrifice others to bring the truth to the light of day! Huzzah!

Today was a good day. For once I lured my victim closer into shovel range and… oh, hello there kids, how are you?

What Kaylie? Who’s that? A friend. What’s that again, Jimmy? Oh, he’s sleeping. Why is he napping on the pavement? Well because it’s good for his back. Yes, I know he’s on his belly Brandon; that’s because he rolled over. You roll over in your sleep, right. Yes, everyone does. What’s that? Your mommy rolls over on your da- well, yeah but it’s not the same thing exactly Erin. No, he’s not bleeding, that’s ketchup. He had a Carl’s Jr. burger and you all know how messy they are right guys? The blanket? Well that’s what we call a tarp, Samantha but yes it’s to make sure he doesn’t get cold while he’s sleepy time… huh? Yes I know we’re in a dessert and it’s hot but… look kids really let’s just let Uncle Walter sleep here and forget all about what we saw here today and I’ll buy everyone an ice-cream cone, ok? OK?

Hey, I have an idea kids, you want to walk around to my backyard and step into my Transmogrifier? What’s it do? Well come and find out… yeah it does look cool doesn’t it, Brad? It makes kids all grown up and gives them superpowers and endless portions of ice cream. Just walk right into the box with the arrow kids.

*BRRrrrrrrEEEeeeeooOOOOWWwWwwwwWW*

Yeah, it sounds real cool doesn’t it, Jackie. Next! *BRRrrrrrrEEEeeeeooOOOOWWwWwwwwWW* Keep going everyone *BRRrrrrrrEEEeeeeooOOOOWWwWwwwwWW* single file! *BRRrrrEEEeeeooOOOOWWwWwwWW* Let’s go everyone we’re all going to get superpowers and ice cream *BRRrrrEEEeeeooOOOOWWwWwwWW* yay! **BRRrrrEEEeeeooOOOOWWwWwwWW* *BRRrrrEEEeeeooOOOOWWwWwwWW*What? *BRRrrrEEEeeeooOOOOWWwWwwWW* Why yes it does look *BRRrrrEEEeeeooOOOOWWwWwwWW*like a wood chipper now *BRRrrrEEEeeeooOOOOWWwWwwWW* that you mention it Tim my good man, *BRRrrrEEEeeeooOOOOWWwWwwWW* come on last one’s a rotten *BRRrrrEEEeeeooOOOOWWwWwwWW* egg. *BRRrrrEEEeeeooOOOOWWwWwwWW* About time, wow that was close. Stupid ki– uh, why hello there other kids, I see they let you guys out of high school early today. What’s that? Oh, uhm, yeah… there was a huge accident a minute ago. See a truck carrying Cherry Slurpie Mix and a Hamburger chuck wagon…

A public service announcement you might all want to take notice of. Before it’s too late!

From time to time this little ole blog o’min generates some interesting emails from people. For today’s entertainment I will share with you all some interesting viewer feedback mail. Note: the names have been changed to protect the stupid.

From 2c00l: H3y Vinc3, m4n is tihs c00l bolg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:Dear 2c00l, thank you so much for the kind words. I think. The reason for this is I’m guessing at what you said. I got the exclamation part just fine though…I think
2c00l: HAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA UR FUNNY AWSUM DEWD!
:Please tell me you did not graduate from college; it would explain why my degree is useless.
2c00l: collig ROCKED man so muhc beer an HOT babes Igot all bs in skewl and As in the ladies ARRRRROOOOOOO!
:I’m in hell. That’s the only thing that explains the torment right now *bangs head on monitor* Someone shoot me. (Whoa, way too many volunteers)

From Concerned Parent: My child has this site bookmarked and after coming here to check it out I sir am OUTRAGED by your attitude toward the golden absolute joy of perfection that is children. These baskets of joy and innocence are not hell demons bent on world destruction or anything but cute, cuddly, warm, huggy harbingers of comfort filled with the bright pure light of absolute love! How dare you make out like they’re nuisances or annoying, you hateful little man! You should roast in the fiery pits of hell for your blasphemous words!! Hell is reserved for people like you!
:I am sorry you were offended, calm down, up the valium dosage and excuse me while I report another NAMBLA member to the authorities. They should be contacting you shortly.

The Makers of Extends: Is your…
:No, but I bet yours is.

From The Bulldog Breeders Association: Dear Mr. Navarino, it has come to our attention that you have knowledge of a heretofore unknown breed of bulldog, called by you and others as a stealth bulldog. We have no records of this type of offshoot of Canis familiaris and would like to document this possible new breed. Can you help us out?
:Yes, there is indeed a Stealth Bulldog, believed to be the only one of it’s kind, called Roxie by most and Rocky by the gender-confused. I would love to provide you some pictures but, go figure, the stealth bulldog is… well… stealthy (and elusive by nature); all you’d get is blank pictures. We think this natural ability of hers is so that she can sneak up on a man holding a chew toy and strike unseen. One minute a 180lb man is holding a chew toy and the next he’s a 240lb man holding a 60lb bulldog. It’s quite disconcerting let me tell you!
Bulldog Breeders Association: Are you telling us that the Stealth Bulldog is invisible??!
:DUH! Why else would someone call it that?

From A Wondering Reader: Is there anything in your life that you regret? Something you’d do over if given the chance?
:I regret in life only three things - Buying Windows 95, not learning how to make fire by rubbing 2 sticks on a telemarketer and purchasing condoms at a dollar store. Wait, that’s four things I regret. As to do-overs, well, yeah there is one thing I’d do over if given a chance. The Doublemint twins.

From Serious Reader: I don’t get your attempts at humor; I find them awfully lacking and droll.
:You’re wearing a tie right now, yes?
Serious Reader: How did you know?
:And you’re in a boarding school?
Serious Reader: ?! That’s amazing! Yes!
:It was your parents’ idea, right?
Serious Reader: uhh…
:They said it’d be good for you?
Serious Reader: … yes *sniff*…
:You didn’t want to go did you?
Serious Reader: sniff* no *sniff*
:But they made you go anyway.
Serious Reader: …
:You know why don’t you.
Serious Reader: …because …
:You know why.
Serious Reader: *sniff* b-b-because…
:Say it.
Serious Reader: …because t-t-they…
:SAY IT!
Serious Reader: BECAUSE THEY DON’T L-LOVE MEEEEEE!!!!
:Yep. Think about that next time you tell people they don’t know funny, twerp.

[End emails]