I’m sorry I haven’t been around much people but I was pretty busy lately. See, our good friend Ben came to Vegas over the weekend and we had a great time hanging. Minnie and I took Ben all over the strip, hung out, played pool and went to Fry’s. We even managed to grab dinner with Darci while Ben was here and had a great time. I showed Ben you can take pictures of the strip while parking in any lane of traffic on the road at night. No one minds, they just go around you. Ben unfortunately had to leave because it turns out he had a key to the shackles we used to chain him to the radiator and Minnie’s house. How did he do that? Ben is cagey and wise and elusive.

If you don’t know who Ben is you might be bored. That’s too bad for you because when you get to know who Ben is you’ll be sad you weren’t hanging with him. I even put up a photo album of our (Minnie, Ben and me) adventures together. Go there now or Ben will be sad. Don’t make Ben sad.

The things we do often dictate responses from others. Some reactions and responses frankly we never intended or forsaw. I myself am the reason many people enjoy the sweet breath of life, thanks in no small part to my Heimlich Manuever training, courtesy of a PBS Special called “Curious George Choked on His Banana And Died a Horrible Agonizing Death Because You Skipped This Special The First Time It Was On and Couldn’t Save Him So Watch It This Time Because Mommy Is Eating a Banana and Might Need You to Save Her!” The subtitle was a tad alarming.

Man did they know how to use show titles to educate us kids back in those days. Well, Mommy never (so far) choked but I had to play it safe. So I watched the PBS special and as an unforseen result I could french kiss strange girls without all the whistling and cat-calls of “There He Is Officer!” that so ruined all those study groups. Not to mention all that “let me wrap my arms around you and press your tummy and get rid of that lodged food” fun. *sigh* Good times.

Anyway, as I was saying, sometimes our actions cause unforseen reactions from people. You never know how exactly the things you say or do can cause people to respond, so really I guess the secret message in this post is:

Don’t say or do anything because you never know how people will take it. People are crazy. They should all be isolated; put in glass cages and monitored closely by an array of super-intelligent robots for their alien masters.

Seriously, forget all that just be yourself and don’t worry about it psycho babble shrinks and guidance counselors tell you. Just dig a hole and stay there and feed off the lichen that grows in the darkness and play cards with the cockaroaches until the world stops and all the people leave for better digs like Pluto.

And then you can go through everyone’s stuff and see what kinds of twisted freaks they are. Not to mention all that dressing up fun without fear of discovery or alarmed shouting and tossing of heavy objects. Plus you can drive any car you want, get DVD’s for free and no one will be hogging all the broadband.

If you want companionship there’s always talking to animals. If you want companionship there’s always the animals… and oh yeah, no PETA to tell you it’s wrong either. Stupid %^$#@!ing PETA. Oh how I hate them. ^&%$@ you, PETA!

What gets between me and my Thomson’s Gazelles? NOTHING. You hear me, PETA. Nothing gets between me and my Thomson’s Gazelle’s. !$&#@ you PETA!

[Oh, and if you couldn’t tell this was an anti-vote message. Don’t Vote, You Might Break Something™. Remember kids, an uninformed vote could be more disasterous than an informed one. Tune in next time for 275 Ways to Cook a PETA Member, sponsored by Betty Crocker’s PETA Helper. All the stuff you need, just add some chopped up PETA. Umm… umm… good.]

Santa arrived early at Case de Navarino and for the 2nd year in a row he brought a bunch of Garbage Xmas™ Goodies. Early. The only difference this time around is he brought over the trashy treats personally; last year I had to do the dumpster diving. Yes, that’s right folks, this year if it’s garbage, Jolly Ole St. Nick delivers!

And what cool refuse did he bring in his Xmas Hefty Bag of Bounty?

1. A cool mini-stereo w/tape, cdplayer, 2 nice speakers and darned good sound for it’s size. Works great!

2. A Radio Shack MD-1210 MIDI Keyboard/Synthesizer. Rated pretty good on the web. It powers up then turns off, probably a fried resistor on the board. Should be easily fixable for someone that’s knows electronics and loves music; might make a cool gift to someone like that. If only I knew someone that loves to fix broken things and knows how to play a keyboard and was coming to town in the next week or so. Nope. Can’t think of anyone. Drat. I gotta get out more…

3. An Epson Stylus C62 Inkjet Printer w/the software and everything. Either needs a cartridge or a head cleaning. Probably just a gunked up printhead. Either way, score!

Oh and there’s the Creme de le Creme: A banged up HUGE Viewsonic PT810 21″ Computer Monitor a guy tossed in trash. There are some cracks but the screen is intact. I can’t tell if it works or not yet because I don’t have a Male/Male VGA cable so I can hook it up. The LED light turns green, you can hear the thing power up but the LED goes quickly to red. It could be because it’s not receiving a video signal. It’s specs are pretty darned good so I hope it works or I can find someone that knows someone that knows someone that might be able to fix it. We’ll see. Either way, it’s free and has total awesome potential for being an totally awesome find. Or an impressive geek Jack-O-Lantern come Halloween! Double score!

See kids, if you’re really really really good (or especially rotten) Santa might toss you some trashy Xmas cheer this year. So close those eyes, kick your sister, shave the dog, wish really hard and spike them cookies! Jolly Red Clown Boy has a Hefty Bag with your name on it. Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! The! %^$#@! Stole! My! #$%^@!ing Cookies!

I went out with the folks to lunch yesterday and found out when I returned that according to our answering machines I had died. Which was a surprise to me and I could have discounted my tragic food-related death had it been an isolated incident but there it was on two answering machines so I’m afraid it’s true. I don’t feel any different, it must be the shock.

Here are the transcripts from the multiple phone messages:

1:21pm
Special K: “Heeeeyyy…I’m outside. Are you OK? I hope you’re ok. Uhm, hmmm. I may just leave it under the uh doormat. I hope you’re alright though. Anyway…[garbled kinda weirdly sounded like ‘Iloveyaguy’ but that couldn’t be it] Goodbye.”

1:50pm
Special K: “Vinny are you there? Vinny if you’re there please pick up. I’m getting scaaared. Uhm. We’re gonna, she’s looking to see if she can get permission to enter over there. Cause this is kinda freaking me out. Anyway, I hope you’re OK. Bye.”

2:06pm
Minnietaur: (complete deadpan monotone non-concerned voice) “Hellooo. Katrina just called. She fears you’re DEAD *uh laughter* Uh You might want to give her a call when you get in ‘cause she says y’know you’re not… you’re generally not a flaking out kind of guy and when you weren’t there she decided something terrible had happened. Uh, She’s heading off to her job but she said you could call J. I told her I would try to reach you later if I could to assure the whole not dead thing so I’ll try to give you a call back later. Bye.”

Messages on the second answering machine:

12:29pm
Special K: “Vinnie are you there? I’m sitting out here I’m worried about you. Uhm…”

1:06pm
Minnietaur: (complete deadpan monotone non-concerned voice) “Ok, Uh same message different phone. Uh, like I said Katrina’s worried about ya, whatnot Uh, I’ll try to call you back later. Bye.”
———- end of machine messages

See, this is what happens when you forget to leave a note when you go out unexpectedly, especially when you’re considered reliable, cute, smart, witty, intelligent, extremely masculine, strong, sexy, modest, humble, an obvious liar at this point and a great lover when alone…with lithe girly wrists. That last part in bold was © 2004 by Minnietaur. Grrrrrr. (True too, so double Grrrrrr.) Oh and I’m a $%#@!ing mime because I mime things. Also © 2004 by Minnie. Triple Grrrrrr. I’m a juggler so that hurt. *sniff* So proud… so proud…

Anyways, my unexpected and still shocking demise happened as a result of suddenly going out to lunch with the folks and forgetting to put a note on the door that said: “Suddenly went out to lunch with the folks. Not to worry I haven’t choked on food and died” so no one would think I had expired prematurely (like I’d ever die maturely). OK, well, not no one, more like one person. To be honest here, I would love to accept responsability for my demise but I really didn’t think anyone would come up with I died because I didn’t make a meet. I am reliable so that might raise an eyebrow but a funeral?

When Special K called Minnie in a panic, she didn’t even consider the possibility that I had died. However, she did seem to take a wonderous joy coming up with possibilities on the phone to Special K on more plausible ways that I might have died. I believe she used the term auto-erotic asphyxiation a few times. For some reason this did nothing to calm down the fears of Special K who tried to get into the apartment to check on my food-choked corpse. Go figure.

What have we learned about this, kids?

01. If you’re considered reliable and never miss a meeting with someone the first absence is noticed.
02. Leave a note.
03. Minnietaur didn’t think for a second I had died… or didn’t care.
04. Special K is special. Poke. Poke.
05. If there is corroboration from multiple sources about a death, it’s probably true. In this case my death was confirmed through multiple answering messages.
06. Special K has a choking fetish.
07. In leaving a note, confirm your not dead status by also specifying you did not die from /insert least likely cause of death here/
08. I have friends that want me dead.
09. If you’re panicking on the phone, Minnietaur will so screw with you.
10. I am loved, or someone really wanted to be first on the scene to poke my bloated corpse with a stick. Poke. Poke.

So, sorry about the whole dead thing, people but hey, I seem to have Net access from where I am so it’s ok.

(pause)

However it’s dialup so… hot!hot!hot! —>© Minnietaur 2004

Seriously. We have the NYNY here, why not a New Jersey Hotel and Casino? I’m originally from NY and NJ so I can’t wait until it’s up… *sigh*