I went out with the folks to lunch yesterday and found out when I returned that according to our answering machines I had died. Which was a surprise to me and I could have discounted my tragic food-related death had it been an isolated incident but there it was on two answering machines so I’m afraid it’s true. I don’t feel any different, it must be the shock.

Here are the transcripts from the multiple phone messages:

1:21pm
Special K: “Heeeeyyy…I’m outside. Are you OK? I hope you’re ok. Uhm, hmmm. I may just leave it under the uh doormat. I hope you’re alright though. Anyway…[garbled kinda weirdly sounded like ‘Iloveyaguy’ but that couldn’t be it] Goodbye.”

1:50pm
Special K: “Vinny are you there? Vinny if you’re there please pick up. I’m getting scaaared. Uhm. We’re gonna, she’s looking to see if she can get permission to enter over there. Cause this is kinda freaking me out. Anyway, I hope you’re OK. Bye.”

2:06pm
Minnietaur: (complete deadpan monotone non-concerned voice) “Hellooo. Katrina just called. She fears you’re DEAD *uh laughter* Uh You might want to give her a call when you get in ‘cause she says y’know you’re not… you’re generally not a flaking out kind of guy and when you weren’t there she decided something terrible had happened. Uh, She’s heading off to her job but she said you could call J. I told her I would try to reach you later if I could to assure the whole not dead thing so I’ll try to give you a call back later. Bye.”

Messages on the second answering machine:

12:29pm
Special K: “Vinnie are you there? I’m sitting out here I’m worried about you. Uhm…”

1:06pm
Minnietaur: (complete deadpan monotone non-concerned voice) “Ok, Uh same message different phone. Uh, like I said Katrina’s worried about ya, whatnot Uh, I’ll try to call you back later. Bye.”
———- end of machine messages

See, this is what happens when you forget to leave a note when you go out unexpectedly, especially when you’re considered reliable, cute, smart, witty, intelligent, extremely masculine, strong, sexy, modest, humble, an obvious liar at this point and a great lover when alone…with lithe girly wrists. That last part in bold was © 2004 by Minnietaur. Grrrrrr. (True too, so double Grrrrrr.) Oh and I’m a $%#@!ing mime because I mime things. Also © 2004 by Minnie. Triple Grrrrrr. I’m a juggler so that hurt. *sniff* So proud… so proud…

Anyways, my unexpected and still shocking demise happened as a result of suddenly going out to lunch with the folks and forgetting to put a note on the door that said: “Suddenly went out to lunch with the folks. Not to worry I haven’t choked on food and died” so no one would think I had expired prematurely (like I’d ever die maturely). OK, well, not no one, more like one person. To be honest here, I would love to accept responsability for my demise but I really didn’t think anyone would come up with I died because I didn’t make a meet. I am reliable so that might raise an eyebrow but a funeral?

When Special K called Minnie in a panic, she didn’t even consider the possibility that I had died. However, she did seem to take a wonderous joy coming up with possibilities on the phone to Special K on more plausible ways that I might have died. I believe she used the term auto-erotic asphyxiation a few times. For some reason this did nothing to calm down the fears of Special K who tried to get into the apartment to check on my food-choked corpse. Go figure.

What have we learned about this, kids?

01. If you’re considered reliable and never miss a meeting with someone the first absence is noticed.
02. Leave a note.
03. Minnietaur didn’t think for a second I had died… or didn’t care.
04. Special K is special. Poke. Poke.
05. If there is corroboration from multiple sources about a death, it’s probably true. In this case my death was confirmed through multiple answering messages.
06. Special K has a choking fetish.
07. In leaving a note, confirm your not dead status by also specifying you did not die from /insert least likely cause of death here/
08. I have friends that want me dead.
09. If you’re panicking on the phone, Minnietaur will so screw with you.
10. I am loved, or someone really wanted to be first on the scene to poke my bloated corpse with a stick. Poke. Poke.

So, sorry about the whole dead thing, people but hey, I seem to have Net access from where I am so it’s ok.

(pause)

However it’s dialup so… hot!hot!hot! —>© Minnietaur 2004