I woke up early this morning, suffering from a stupid cold really really hungry for something. Something that would still taste good in my weakened stuffy head, phlegmed and coughing state - hungering for an Egg Mcmuffin.

I dragged my fevered carcass to the car, braving the cold and my achy bod and drove my 1997 Chevy Cavalier Sports Coup to the McDonald’s around the corner. I could taste the heavenly sweetness of this delectable breakfasty goodness even through the fog that was my head-colded brain. Upon entering I was greeted by a metal grating keeping me from the heavenly sweetness that was MY Egg Mcmuffin. Puzzled, I waited with other strangers at the metal grating that was keeping us all from our Egg Mcmuffiny goodness. They should have been open already, what was this? Why were the employees not opening up the grating keeping us all from that heavenly goodness called the Egg McMuffin? As I stood confused, pondering this dilemma, my cold-wracked weakened body wondered how fast I needed to go in my car to go through the metal grating to be reunited with MY EggMcmuffins. Before I could formulate the exact miles-per-hour needed to penetrate the tensile strength of the metal gate an employee lifted aforementioned gate.

Perhaps she could see me calculating the following equation in my head:
1997 Chevy Cavalier Sports Coup + accelerator + kinetic energy - metal grating = Egg McMuffin delight

Perhaps she could.

So as I walked into the store as the lady said “Please don’t rush the counter, we’ll take your orders as fast as we can.”

As I passed her that’s when she said: “Since we’re opening a late we’re serving lunch not breakfast.”

But it’s 10am!

Cue scene from Falling Down

New equation:
1997 Chevy Cavalier Sports Coup + accelerator + kinetic energy - mean lady = Egg McMuffins!

My cold-wracked pathetic form needs Egg McMuffins to survive, so I drag partially alive body back to car and head a few blocks down to the next McDonalds. As I pull in there is an old lady at the door, standing. Confused. I get out of car as she tugs on the door. The door does not open. I go over and ask her what is wrong. She says the door won’t open. Door is like metal grate, trying to keep us from our Egg McMuffiny goodness. We both pull on door. Stupid door no opens. Why door? Why you try stop me and lady from Egg McMuffin goodness?

I see sign on door. Sign on door say open at 10:30am.

Why door? Why you open at 10:30am? Why, door?

Door answers.
(It’s New Year’s Day.)
New Year’s Day, door?
(Yes, New Year’s day. No Egg McMuffin goodness for you or lady today.)
Today only day in world I should not have wanted an Egg McMuffin, door?
(Yes.)
But I really want my Egg McMuffin, this one day of all days, door!
(I know. But we’re only serving lunch and dinner this day one day a year.)
But this one day, I really wanted an Egg Mcmuffin, door.
(Stupid you.)
Give me my Egg McMuffin, door!
(You realize you’re hallucinating because of your fever, exhaustion and all that cold medicine you took right?)
Give my my Egg McMuffin, door!
(Understand me, you’re not really talking to a door. You get it, right?)
I SAID GIVE ME MY $%#@!ing EGG MCMUFFIN GOODNESS YOU $%#!ing STUPID DOOR!
(Ok, look. Yes, you are talking to a door but I am not talking back. Doors can’t talk. You’re tired, hungry, exhausted, you didn’t sleep well because of your cold and you’re tripping on cold medicine. Get a grip.)
I’m not talking to a door, door?
(No. Well, yes…)
Door is a liar?!
(No! No! Yes you are talking to a door but I can’t talk back. You’re wacked out on cold medicine.)
If I’m not talking to a door then…
(You’re almost there.)
…then door NOT talking!
(Bingo!)
Then if that wasn’t true then…
(Say it. SAY IT!)
…then McDonald’s is open and I can pull on door and get my Egg McMuffin!!

*tug*
*tug!* *tug!*

What the…

*TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!*
*TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!*
*TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!*
*TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!*
*TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!* *TUG!*

An employee comes to the door and smiles sadly as I continue to tug on the door.

“Sir, we open at 10:30 today and we’re not serving breakfast.”

(I told you, dumbass.)

NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

McDenied.