I was at the local Goodwill store the other day, looking through books for some cheap reads when an idea suddenly came to me. An epiphany of epic proportions. For every book I took that so thrilled me as a child, from JRR Tolkein’s Hobbit to The Martian Chronicles I was stealing that same experience from some poor kid whose parents couldn’t afford $8.99 a shot to spark their child’s imagination which would one day enable him/her to leave their life of poverty behind. Every time bargain hunters like myself head to the local Salvation Army and pay 25 cents for a book, we’re stealing some kid’s dream; smothering their imagination, their joy of discovery and killing any hope these poor, impoverished children have of any escape. That is the escape reading a book brings to a kid and later the escape their fueled by books intellect will bring them. For every cheap book we buy, those of us that can afford to buy them at regular store prices are snuffing out a child’s hopes, dreams and imagination (as well as their futures.)

Buying a cheap Harry Potter book, or literary classics like Homer’s The Odyssey, Dostoyevsky’s The Idiot and true novels of great import like those by Harold Robbins, ensures that the poor kids behind you won’t get to experience the joy of discovery that reading them brings. Each cheap book we buy is one less for these kids to read! Without exposure to good cheap books these poor children will have no hope, no future and we’ll be responsible for limiting their chances to rise above their situations. Crushers of Imagination. Impalers of Discovery. Dashers of Dreams. How does that make YOU feel, fellow bargain hunters?

Me, I can live with that.

You see, despite all the times people say it, kids are not the future. Not anymore. Sure, my generation was the future for my parents and the grownups of that day but WE are here to stay. See, WE‘ve made plans for the generations of kids coming after us so that they wouldn’t and couldn’t take what was ours. Schools are not as good as they used to be, housing costs are skyrocketing out of control way past the average workers’ salaries, the cost of living is soaring while the educational system (ie public schools which used to be good) is in an intellectual death-spiral; cranking out kids that are academically inept and rabid underachievers. Plus thanks to what WE‘ve been whispering in their parents ears these kids are all about instant-gratification, self-entitlement and no concept about the future save that they’re supposed to be it. Wacked out on Ritalin, diagnosed with drug-company invented ADHD diagnoses (*snicker*, that’s a good one drug companies *snicker*), they’re also downing enough anti-depressants (for hyperactivity) to make an elephant narcoleptic, combined with their having no immune system to speak of thanks to parental units who requested antibiotics for the freaking sniffles, these kids won’t be in any shape to be anyone’s future.

See, WE play for keeps.

So you know what? Don’t worry about grabbing those cheap copies of The Grapes of Wrath, Stranger in a Strange Land or Lord of the Rings. You’re not robbing a kid of their future. They probably couldn’t have read them anyways…

I’ve taken a trip down memory lane and wondered if over time this blog has met any of the goals I had when I first started it. My baby, this blog and site, came together out of nothingness on a cold dank, dark day; November 25, 2002 to be exact. FDR himself put it best when he said my blog’s first day was “a date which will live in infamy.” Jedi Master and height-challenged muppet, Yoda voiced his praise of me with the memorable phrase “The Farce is strong in this one” whilst his young protege Obi Wan Kinobi, remarked “it’s as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.” He was of course referring to people who were stupid or those that thought they were funny who ran as chaff before the wheat when I launched this place. JFK himself gave a speech to the people of the world when my website rose from the electronic ether. Who can forget his stirring famous words “Ask not what Vin can do for you; ask what you can do for your Vin.”? I can’t. *sniff* I get all teary-eyed when I think back on his voice ringing in my head. *sniff* What a great guy… *sniff* I miss him. (Someone[s] didn’t according to the Zapruder footage.)

It’s been almost four years since I started Navarino Unincorporated and I have to say looking back on everything that’s happened that I am vastly surprised at how easily this little “corner of the web” of mine has held up to the vision and goals I had when I started it all so long ago. People constantly ask me how I could hold to my guns and keep this site on the right track and never falter from the path I first set when I started it. Everyone’s been constantly amazed that I’ve been able to reach all the goals I set for this place and I have to admit even though people don’t believe me that it’s been shamelessly easy to do. Really. See, I had no goals so MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Whew. What a relief! Man, that really was easy!

Why, you can almost say it was no effort at all. See kids, accomplishing and maintaining goals when you have none is extremely easy and light on a fragile ego. Nothing is worse than setting a goal and not attaining it. A repeated pattern of non-accomplishment can lead to self-confidence problems and feelings of inadequacy. You could turn into a loser. Nothing is more dangerous than reaching for a goal that isn’t automatically fulfilled immediately by not having one; while auto-reaching non-existant goals leads to winners, self-confidence and the pure undiluted taste of victory. Best yet, you can never set a non-existant goal too low; the lower you make the goal the faster you win. Why try and try and try again until you succeed? That’s crazy talk and sounds an awful like it would require tremendous exertion and probably lead to repetitive stress injuries. Plus there’s no substitute for immediate success through non-goals; think I’m wrong - ask Sisyphus. He’d eagerly trade his place in history for a chaise lounge and some Rolling Rock brewskis instead of going to all that freaking bother…

And that folks is how you too can succeed and make it look easy. Now if you don’t mind I have to go and tell an interviewer from Animal Planet what I want out of a leopard. Two things: warm trendy clothing and a nice flank steak that melts in my mouth…

I really hate those blog posts where the blogger makes “witty” observations about the search terms people use to find their sites. These posts are pretty much always not-funny; they’re sad, pathetically lame attempts by the average blogger to post more stuff on their sites ala filler and fluff because they couldn’t think of something (anything) to say. It’s not like the entire blogosphere isn’t already filled overflowing with unentertaining drivel, why the kelp do these lame-brain morons continue to increase the signal to noise ratio by talking… errr… typing when they have nothing to say? It’s OK to NOT post something fellow blog-a-holics when you don’t have anything to say. Really. Seriously, its ok to not speak when you have nothing to say; and for [insert name of deity or holy person here]’s sake, please don’t try to be funny if you don’t know what funny is!. Enough with the %^$#@ing unfunny search terms posts already!

With that said, here are a few search terms that people have used to get to this site.

(pause)

What?

No, I’m not being a hypocrite… wait for it, people. It’s freaking beautiful.

Search Terms Used by People to Find this Site:
ultimate gaming rig - Damned straight, peeps. This is the place to find my UUGM (Ultimate Ultimate Gaming Machine)
french guard taunting - Where the hello-kitty else would you go to see someone say “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of eldeberries!” ?
photoshop breasts - People have no doubt found my easy 212 step tutorial on how to make that G4 girl in that orange chair’s breasts look better. I’m happy to help.
monitor goes black during games - Finally those stupid game developers got that dynamic lighting right. You just stepped into a cave, stupid. And look your Geforce MX 440 is rendering the dark at a whopping 34fps! WOO-HOO! YAY! WOO!
can one be allergic to mouse droppings - Yes. You can also get a thing called the hantavirus from touching them and die.
chupacabra dark seas - was a freaking great movie!! and is re-airing on the Sci-Fi channel this week (check local listings.) Watch it! You’ll thank me later!
environmentalists are hypocrites - Yes. Yes, they are. They all drive SUVs and wear alligator boots.
going shirtless for marching band - You go girl. And please send pics.
patrick norton’s big red button - Can be found at DL.TV. And no “big red button” isn’t a euphemism for a part of his anatomy, sickos.
screwing a turkey - man, Google Images sure loves that pic I made of Bill Gates and that turkey. *sigh* SO happy…so happy…
cornucopia of evil - yup, you found the right place. Welcome.
pooping lawn gnome statue - dear lord, what did you feed that thing? Ewwww!
girley disease - cooties?
man of la moncha - I can whistle it and I often do.
minnie and vinnie - a popular search on my site if there ever was one. Hi Minnie *wave*
wolfenstein killed karl - Yep, I admit it. I plugged him right in the freaking head. I Killed Karl.
mermaids humping humans - fair’s, fair. I hump them all the time…
it’s hard to be humble when you’re perfect in every way - I know, I know. Preach on, brother man!
scott herriott/becky pedigo - are two very awesome people!
burnt peanuts - are great! This here is the #1 site for all your french burnt peanut needs!
how do ball-less mice work? - they scream at a much higher pitch when they get hurt on the job compared to non-gelded mice.
site www.navarinounincorporated.com posted by tim - vanity searching again, Tim? Hehehehe…
better than earthlink - anything is.
soccer moms undressing - what, no link?! Moron.
sarcastically impaired californians - what do you expect, they live in California and the Terminator is their governor. I don’t blame them.
pursuasive letters - I find the letter X to be way more threatening than that wussy, Q.
ipods suck - you’re just jealous you don’t have friends that love you. Nyah!
hot breasts webcomic - I wonder how complex and involved that storyline is going to be…
mistletoe belt clip - you’re a freaking genius! I’ll take $20 worth!

While some of those search terms were pretty funny, the killer is next; the real reason I made this post. The funniest search phrase ever used by people to get to this site is coming up next. Are you ready peeps? You’re gonna laaaugggghhhh…

(drumroll)

And now for the FUNNIEST SEARCH PHRASE EVER USED BY PEOPLE TO GET HERE:

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(I’m laughing my freaking buttski off!) Thankyouandgoodnight! ROFL!

Rockstar Tries to Revamp Image by Developing Pong for the XBox360
Originally Posted by Stuart Miles
Parodied by: The Angry Computerist
-Rockstar has turned its back on controversy by announcing that it will be developing the modern day version of Pong for the Xbox360. “Our goal was to create a game that is perfectly addictive in its focused simplicity, a game that showcases the true possibilities of a next gen experience, not just in looks but in feel and pace", stated Sam Houser, Founder and Executive Producer of Rockstar Games.

In this version of Pong, players can car-jack their opponents rectangle, drive all across the screen picking up hookers and taking a baseball bat to emergency service personnel and then having sex with their corpses. Just like in GTA, baby. The company’s latest title is unlikely to garner the same press coverage as its Grand Theft Auto series since there are no guns.

Wal-Mart enlists bloggers in P.R. campaign
Originally Posted By Michael Barbaro at The New York Times
Parodied by: The Angry Computerist
-Brian Pickrell, a blogger, recently posted a note on his Web site attacking state legislation that would force Wal-Mart Stores to spend more on employee health insurance. It was the kind of pro-Wal-Mart comment the giant retailer might write itself. And, in fact, it did. Under assault as never before, Wal-Mart is increasingly looking beyond the mainstream media and working directly with bloggers, feeding them exclusive nuggets of news, suggesting topics for postings and even inviting them to visit its corporate headquarters. But the strategy raises questions about what bloggers, who pride themselves on independence, should disclose to readers. But some bloggers have posted information from Wal-Mart, at times word for word, without revealing where it came from.

In fact, this site owner, The Angry Computerist aka Vincent Navarino wrote similiarly worded diatribes in favor of Wal-Mart that have appeared verbatim on other blogger sites. Take the blog entry prior to this one, for example: “I spent all day looking for an audio/video switcher and some cables and guess where I found all of them at the end of the day? Cheapest? WAL-MART! I spent all day out and I could have just went straight to %^$#@!ing Wal-MART and been back home in under 30mins? $%#@! you Mom and Pop stores, from now on I’m just going right to WAL-MART and getting what I want cheaper”

Highschool Kids Make Eco Friendly Hybrid Car that Goes 0-60 in 4 seconds!
Originally Posted by Treehugger.com
Parodied by: The Angry Computerist
-The West Philadelphia High School Electric Vehicle Team built this biodiesel car that gets 50 mpg (4.7l/100 km), has over 300 hp and does 0 to 60 in under 4 seconds, all that with a budget of $15,000! The car originally ran on the high schooler’s own abundant supply of pimple oil but after the teens picked up Stridex as a sponsor their faces cleared up and they switched to natural gas produced by eating Hormel Chili in the school cafeteria. After the resulting deaths on the road from the car’s exhaust they quickly switched to soybean oil.

Alaska pipeline spill amount debated
Originally Posted on MSNBC
Parodied by: the Angry Computerist
Industry critic says its huge, BP and state officials say it’s unknown
- A bubbling sound, helped workers pinpoint a leak in a pipeline that allowed thousands of gallons of crude oil to spill onto the frozen tundra in Alaska’s Prudhoe Bay. State, federal and oil company officials said the total amount of oil spilled is still not known, while others are saying that the amount spilled is appx 798,000 gallons, which would make it the second largest oil spill in Alaska, second only to the 1989 Exxon Valdez spill in Prince William Sound. When contacted about what went wrong, a BP Exploration (Alaska) Inc representative said “I really can’t comment on what went wrong at this time as we’re still investigating the incident, but we don’t really know what happened. I can tell you though that we at BP feel terrible about this tragedy. We all tried so hard to make our target goal at being the #1 oil-spiller in Alaska; see it’s all about being #1 here. We’re devestated.” When asked about a bubbling sound being the only indicator of the leak that stopped the leak and not the 4mile long black stain on the ice with and all the dead sludge-covered whales, birds, seals and polar bears pinpointing the problem the rep replied “Oh that happens all the time here so it was nothing unusual.”

Looking for Something Absurdly Fast? Meet the Acabion
Originally Posted at Treehugger.com
Parodied by: The Angry Computerist
-Claiming to be the next step in the evolution of efficient human transport, the Acabion comes off as an airplane fuselage mounted over a ridiculously fast motorcycle. Appearing at this year’s Geneva auto show, the German-made Acabion is a synthesis of “aeronautic and bionic concepts,” which apparently adds up to a two-passenger vehicle that can do 280 mph at half throttle. No one knows when the Acabion will make it to mass-production but look for a rash of Acabions to be accidently crammed up the tailpipes of 1974 cadillacs driven 25-30mph under the speed limit by Floridian octogenerians shortly thereafter.
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Stay tuned for more News According to Vin…

It’s about time the RIAA started an effective anti-piracy campaign. Dear RIAA - start handing out free iPods with the inscription on the left and you might get people to change their evil, copying ways. It beats you suing elderly grandmothers and little kids, plus you’ll have plenty of spare time to go after world leaders instead of the elderly and preschool children. Of course the former would affect real change but would also require balls, so we won’t hold our breath.

Rant #2: I’m against private nudity; I think people shouldn’t be allowed naked in the privacy of their own homes. I mean, we don’t know what those sickos are doing in there so we should pass a law that nudity should only be allowed in public. When the kids start asking what’s that, explain it to them by also pointing. Pictures are worth a thousand words. Also, it would make going to the opera tolerable and ratings for the Olympics and Nascar would go certainly go up. Who wants to look at %$#@!ing cars go around in a circle? Hey, look Billy… there’s a car going around a circle! Hey, look… there he goes again. Circle. Circle. Circle. Woo-HOO! YAY! Circle. Circle. Circle! WOOO! WOOO! YAAAY! (I’m joking about everything except the public nudity, folks.)

Rant #3: I spent all day looking for an audio/video switcher and some cables and guess where I found all of them at the end of the day? Cheapest? WAL-MART! I spent all day out and I could have just went straight to %^$#@!ing Wal-MART and been back home in under 30mins? $%#@! you Mom and Pop stores, from now on I’m just going right to WAL-MART and getting what I want cheaper, I don’t care what they represent. What they’ve done. Who they’ve hurt. As long as they have cheaper prices and I don’t have to waste all my time running around looking for the best deals when WAL-MART has them I’ll happily watch all the other stores close to make for even bigger WAL-MARTs. I’ll crate up that baby cow myself if it helps make it that tasty. *drool* I’m an omnivore and a consumer; don’t waste my time or money and keep the little heffers a’coming, thanks.

Rant #4: Leonardo DeCaprio. Thank you for not appearing in any movies I wanted to see. Bless you.

Rant #5: Starforce. A software copy protection tool used by PC video game makers that installs as a hidden device driver, without your knowledge or consent. Not only that but it has been reported by users to cause possible system instabilities and hardware failures. Starforce is appearing even in game demos, and is sneakily being mass distributed attached to “free full game downloads” such as TrackMania Nations. Want to learn more about Starforce, look at sites via Google like Boycott Starforce. They have information as well as a compiled list of games that have Starforce in them and ways to remove it from your system. Lots of people are boycotting game makers that use this form of protection that installs without your consent and I’m all for not giving my cash to people that load hidden device drivers, malware and rootkits on my computer. Morons.

Rant #6: I’m being buried alive by all my freaking remote controls! It’s like they’re the 4 Remotes of the Apocalypse! (I wish there were only four.) Someone save me by offering a programmable, cheap and easy to use learning remote that doesn’t have 987 stupid tiny buttons! COME ON PEOPLE! Where are you in my time of need Jim Louderback? *sniff* Email me and I’ll give you my mailing address. *sniff*

Rant #7:I freaking bought that hype that a component video cable that split the video signal of my DVD player into three signals would offer a better, sharper picture than regular plain jain composite video cable so I bought one. It’s a little sharper but EVERYTHINGS TOO RED AND YELLOW NOW! So %^$#@! you, hypesters. (On a good note I can just go return it to WAL-MART…)

*sigh* That’s it for now. Join me tomorrow when I skewer a telemarketer…