That’s right, I’m FINALLY, finally, finally done with video tapes now that I have my shiny new digital video recorder with dvd burner. I hereby give notice to the world that his majesty, the King of Video Taping (and Muskrat Wrangling) is giving up his throne to anyone that wants it. Yes, I heard you Tivo with your timely and well done funeral for the old & decrepit VCR. I ‘m agreeing with your every word, industry speculators with your tremendous insight into the here and now! I’ve been listening to your every word, smarty-pants technology reporters! I bow to the wisdom of all those people that have been telling us for YEARS that it was finally time to take ole Yeller the VCR out back, bonk him in the head with a shovel and roll him into his new home - a shallow grave with a warm, light earth blanket (don’t worry kids, Ole Yeller’s new digs are rent controlled.) Especially now as a new DVR owner, I have no choice but to admit that you guys are right. I’ve seen the light and agree…

…that you’re all morons. Seriously, why would you constantly announce to the world in such an obvious manner how stupid you all are? On purpose. There’s no way all you “the VCR is Dead” crowers are accidently killing your images by saying statements that are so obviously wrong like “fire is cold,” “ice is hot” and “Demi Moore has an acting career.” There’s only one way to kill the VCR and that is to jump back in time and off everyone that went to develop one. Not that in a few years as time travel becomes commonplace that won’t be an option, but as everyone knows you’ll really get into trouble with the Temporal Police and who wants to pay that fine (they rip off your gonads. Slowly. With feeling. And if you don’t have gonads they give them to you just so they can rip ‘em off. Slowly. With feeling.)

The VCR’s death has been greatly exaggerated. Likewise the demise of video tape. Despite all the reports, speculation on industry trends and propaganda to the masses by companies selling *gasp* things other than VCRs (Hello TiVo) the VCR and video tape are alive and well. Sitting and laughing in comfy chairs, too. They’ll be around practically forever. Take the record player, for a shining example of how instantly wrong people are who say a new technology will make an old device dead. Are record players dead? Vinyl? Records? No? Hmmm. Are audio tapes dead? No? Ovens? Books? Pencils? People who can think? (Ok the jury’s out on that one.) Seriously guys, it’s time to stop huffing your own words along with the tailpipe of that ‘74 caddy. The VCR and video tape will be here longer than you will. Especially if you keep yapping when I’m trying to listen to my new iPod…

For me, now that I have my new recorder, the VCR is used to play back all that stuff I have on tape. See… even if all of our VCRs were instantly replaced with keener and newer digital recorders (and we off everyone that tries to create a VCR despite that whole gonad ripped off penalty) we still have to play all that stuff we have on video tape. DUH! Well, unless while the magical VCR is Dead Faerie is busy replacing all our VCRs with DVRs she converts all our tapes to DVDs. Not that I think that’s bloody likely as the good peeps over at DL.TV can tell you - doing all that converting is a real %^&$#@ing nightmare! An MPEG-4 conversion wasn’t built in a day, you know. Besides the VCR is Dead Faerie is a union employee and you all know what that means… (her lunch breaks are longer than her freaking work day!)

Relax peeps, the VCR isn’t going the way of the dodo bird. The pundits don’t have a large enough anti-reality meteor…