One especially grating and nagging tech pet peeve of mine appeared around the 90’s thank to tree-hugging, eco-hippy, mink-petting, inbred jobless FREAKS who convinced big time stupid companies that make electronics to remove the on/off switch in devices like my HP 5L printer. Nothing is more aggravating than having something you don’t want on always sucking up the electricity that was keeping Sparky, my pet goldfish alive. See, Sparky had a pacemaker that kept his heart arrhythmia in check and well, let’s just say that when you have a pet and it’s sick you’ll do anything to see that little guy swim with vigor again in his massive 1/2 gallon octagonal ocean… that was the best $52,000 I ever spent. That whole week Sparky was back to his old mini-goldfish self was worth every second and third mortgage. Why if I didn’t purchase the no off-switch HP 5L laser printer, Sparky might have lived for years! Even though the printer was supposed to turn itself off after 15 minutes of non-use, it didn’t and Sparky died because his pacemaker didn’t have enough juice to make his teeny tiny wittle heart beat correctly.

HEWLETT PACKARD KILLED MY GOLDFISH!

I didn’t know at first what killed Sparky. All I know is one day he was swimming powerfully against the rehabilitation current in his tank and the next day I found him floating upside down, lifeless. He was in good shape, swimming in place the day before against the current I provided by stirring the water in his tank with a spatula. His rehabilitation therapist showed me how to do this properly to help Sparky get his strength back after his pacemaker and open heart surgeries. First, I thought that I had accidentally stirred his tank too much causing him to overextend himself too soon and his microscopic heart just gave out. Or perhaps it was the Gatorade I added to his tank, even though the company’s medical representative I called assured me they had tested their product to ensure it wouldn’t kill goldfish? A friend of mine was concerned that perhaps Sparky had choked to death on fish food because Sparky failed to show up for a play date. She left several messages to that affect on my answering machines. Unfortunately, the autopsy later showed that my beloved goldfish’s death was due to his pacemaker not getting enough power.

See kids, a goldfish’s pacemaker does have a teeny tiny battery in it that provides about an hour of reserve juice but it depends on a thin almost unbreakable wire plugged into an electrical jack for constant power. When I hooked the laser printer up there should have been no problem but since it lacked an on/off switch and it didn’t shut down in 15 minutes like it was supposed to, it sucked too much power from the house’s circuits and Sparky died and untimely and tragic death.

HEWLETT PACKARD KILLED MY GOLDFISH!

Heartbroken, I drank heavily and tried hard to conquer my breathing addiction. I hit rock bottom. However, just when i thought it couldn’t get any better, I managed to turn my grief into anger and swore that Sparky’s death, at the hands of the faceless and criminally negligent Hewlett Packard bastards, would not be in vain. Especially after hearing about other reported goldfish deaths, all of which had one shockingly similar contributing factor - devices that didn’t have on/off switches that sucked up too much power which lead to their deaths.

It was then that I took up the cause to put the on/off switch back on electronics and cease these senseless and tragic deaths. With Sparky continually by my side in spirit (and in my pocket - I had him freeze-dried preserved) I took on the stupid electronics companies and made them put back that necessary and live-saving on/off switch in their products again.

The tragedy of this story: I don’t have Sparky anymore (pickpocket incident in Las Vegas), but I do have that %^$#@!ing HP 5L laser printer that killed him. Always on. *sniff* I’d trade it in a day if HP could give me back my Sparky! *sob* I can hardly print out anything now *sob* Everytime that murderous printer powers up or a page prints out *sniff* I think of my beloved Sparky *honk!*

YOU KILLED MY GOLDFISH YOU HEWLETT PACKARD BASTARDS!

And you never once apologized. Or sent a representative to his funeral.

YOU KILLED MY GOLDFISH HEWLETT PACKARD!!

I still have that HP 5L Printer, which I don’t really need but I needed my Sparky!

HP killed my goldfish. They’re bastards!