From time to time my coworkers and I, like everyone else, head down to the nearest chinese restaurant to eat like pigs only to be equally and ravenously hungry thirty minutes later. While this begs the question, why the kelp does anyone eat chinese food, the real reason people go is for that magical, delicate cookie with a paper surprise in the middle. This tiny bit of paper with mysteriously vague writing commands respect for it’s words are of a pure and ancient power. This one little slip of paper hidden in a tasteless, brittle cookie can give us valuable insights into our destinies if we interpret it correctly. A warning, words of caution or whispers of jubilation of good things to come; all layeth inside this weird and timeless horseshoe-shaped snack.

So how do we guess the hidden meaning of these vague Nostradamus-like scribblings / prophecies? Well, thanks to my saving a bunch of these fortunes from our lunch hour at local chinese eateries and analyzing them most carefully I believe I can give you all a quick crash course on correctly interpreting the various futures you might encounter in the center of a tootsie rol… er, fortune cookie. Oh, and if you can’t tell which is the fortune cookie saying and which is the interpretation, might I suggest a career in Kibble Tasting?

You have an ambitious nature and will make a name for yourself - yeah, it was really ambitious of you to climb that University of Texas Tower with the sniper rifle, sicko.
Soon you’ll have a chance at a profitable transaction - What’s a drug dealer with 7 kilos of columbian gold for a hundred, Alex? ($100 for the question not the kilos, Trebek!)
Versatility is one of your stronger traits - yet you still can’t walk and chew gum at the same time can you, ya bedwetter.
You should be able to undertake and complete anything - swing that shovel at your ex’s head one more time and roll the body in that shallow grave you dug just for this occasion. Congratulations, you’re now an undertaker.
You savor the challenge of satisfying your high goals - but yet you never remember to wear pants. Amazing. %^$#@ing amazing.
You will attain the highest levels of intelligence - and still be the dude no one wants on their team at the Special Olympics, He Who Playeth With Oatmeal and Calls It Friend.
Take no risks with your reputation - but feel free to risk others’
You will soon have the opportunity to improve your finances - Just creep up on that sucker real nice and slow… or (b) just sit there and lose everything, putz.
Do not dwell on differences with a loved one - try a comprimise - let’s settle for breathing being the difference, ok?
Generosity and perfection are your assests - and they show - zip up that zipper young man. Not everyone wants it.
You will be successful in a business of your own - for most people that business is unemployment.
Accept the next proposition you hear - he’s a cop! he’s a cop! Don’t tell him your prices!
A mysterious person will soon enter your life - through a shattered window to end yours.
Striving for the best will bring you closer to the best - if strife could do that they wouldn’t call it strife, genius.

Well now, I hope that helps you all understand what those words mean on that little slip of paper. One last tip: you’re not supposed to play those lucky numbers at the bottom. Those numbers represent your chances of having sex with a partner anytime soon using those pickup lines your brother gave you…