Top 5 Alternatives to iPods:
1. Humming
2. Whistling
3. Didgeridoo
4. Yodeling
5. Listening to the voices in your head

For every dominant force in the universe there is a small and vocal minority that fancies a rebellion. A small rabid group of fist-raising dimwits that preaches inane and untrue blatherings in an effort to topple the dominant establishment in charge… so that they can become the dominant establishment in charge. Morons. Morons all. Ever since Apple dominated the MP3 playing community, easily and effortlessly with uh… the… uhm… wait… I forgot the name of the… what was it called… oh! the iPod, the world suddenly cried out for Apple to be crushed by someone, ANYONE.

Why? If it didn’t freaking work so well then it wouldn’t be the #1 music (and video) player! Why hate the iPod? No one’s forcing anyone to buy the suckers. Why hate it? Well, because that’s what the rebellion does. Hope for something good and popular to die, then wait for it’s replacement and then hate that and hope for it to die… and so on… and so on… and so on. See that’s how the rebels will always have a rebellion to belong to; it’s like anarchist security.

Except this time the rebels are going to get exactly what they deserve. See, Microsoft is going to come out with an MP3 player and that should pretty much put all the rebels accidently in the camp of their ultimate, ultimate enemy. Which should pretty much be the last anyone hears from the rebels as either their hearts explode or Redmond collects their souls for services rendered. Gotta love the irony, kids. Joyous, joyous irony!

Goodbye rebel scum.

Today is the Fourth of July, also known as Independence Day. A day in which after an alien attack, mankind rallied forth and thanks to a courageous Randy Quaid and his cropduster, defeated the E.T. invaders and saved the world. Although the true meaning behind the 4th of July has been lost thanks to this 1996 blockbuster, nevertheless we’d all like to thank the brave men and women actors who portrayed characters that sacrificed themselves so that we, the audience, could remain free. Free from alien invaders who would decimate the Earth’s population in order to exploit our natural resources. Thank you. Thank you actors and actresses for your efforts to entertain us and make this one day of the year special. Thank you for your selfless acts on our behalf. Your courageous and noble efforts will never be forgotten. Your names will forever be etched in our hearts, as the credits roll. And although most of you were not top-billed or A-listers you touched all our hearts. You shall not be forgotten. Thank you. Thank you, Lisa Star (woman on roof), thank you Wayne Wilderson (AREA 51 technician), thanks be to you, Jessika Cardinahl (German Video Newscaster) whose scenes were deleted and praise be unto you, Volker Engel (Man in Office) whose roles was not credited.

Though you were doing your solemn duty, as actors, nevertheless your scripted sacrifices were not in vain. You made us all feel like we knew you; as friends, as neighbors, as family. You will be remembered as the on-screen heroes that you are. Always.

Happy Independence Day, everyone! Happy 4th of July!