As those who are close to me know, I’m very particular about the keyboard I use on my computer (the understatement of the century.) The last time I quested to find the perfect keyboard, it took MONTHS of frustration, tireless searching and wound up devouring what little was left of my sanity. If I had any left, which is highly doubtful after that Give Kevin Mitnick a Purple Nurple Incident of 2005…

See, this is how I feel - next to the monitor you’re looking at the keyboard is the most important thing you need to get right. You use it all the time and it has to be the right one for your hands / fingers / other appendages when co-workers (or your mom) isn’t looking.

Last time I settled on the EZ 9910MP, a thin little beauty, light with tons of multimedia and other programmable keys. It was very durable and highly regarded in some LAN party and gamer circles (I found this out later) and was $6. Not bad.

As time went by though, despite being in love with my EZ 9910MP there were a few things I came to want that it didn’t have. Although they had a nice feel, the keys weren’t particularly deep and springy and there was no volume knob. Working at a previous job, I really came to love those slim Dell keyboards. They felt divine, were built like a tank and your fingers glided over the keys like you were typing on feathers. Just the right amount of resistance and the suckers took very little space on one’s desk. The problem was that there were no multimedia keys or that much desired volume knob. Not a cheesy one like you find on most Logitech monstrosities, but one with a little weight and lots of clickity goodness when you turned it. Also, those Logitech volume knobs always creeped me out because they looked like huge erect phalluses… *shudder* You know like those anatomically impossible phalluses found on Hawaiian statues?! You twist that sucker to turn the sound up and down, me, I’m cringing in the far corner of the room pretending I’m not in prison thankyouverymuch!

Anywhoo, I got to thinking that the perfect keyboard would be if they made one of those Dell slim keyboards w/programmable keys and a volume knob I’d be set for life, typing merrily away on my UUK (Ultimate Ultimate Keyboard) and living life to its fullest.

And a week later, right on schedule, the Almighty changed the world and I found a deal site that had My Sexy Keyboard - the Dell USB Enhanced Multimedia Keyboard. $14 shipped. SCORE!!!

The Dell USB Enhanced Keyboard is truly for me the ultimate in keyboard-ey goodness - it has the same design as those slim Dells, the same wonderful deep, lovely feeling keys plus 14 programmable keys and the mondo cool and ultra-important volume knob (that’s not an over-exaggerated phallus!) It even has a 2 port low-powered hub built in so no more USB extension cables for my mouse!

*sigh* And it’s so sexy, too. My sexy keyboard. I have a sexy keyboard. Do you?

Feels nice… so smooth… so… so… sexy.

(Sorry need some alone time with my sexy keyboard. G’way.)

[Once again it’s time to answer all your emails, friends.]

Q: Dear Vincent, Master of the Universe and Dispenser of All Things Wise, can I ask you a question?
A: You just did my son, thanks for getting the ball rolling. NEXT!
Q: What is holding Linux back?
A: Linux users. That and the fact it isn’t Windows, of course.
Q: Why do Mac users lie in their commercials about the PC?
A: Because they hate Jesus, Billy.
Q: How do you drive women away?
A: Car, bus, taxi, motorcycle, onion breath, the truth…
Q: What’s the best Apple Switch ad?
A: The one where it switches to Windows.
Q: Do people really think people that download movies hurt the motion picture industry?
A: Well, popcorn sales are down. Stop downloading popcorn, people!
Q: Did Google really patent the Earth?!
A: No, I did; get off you pesky kids!
Q: Are all Mac users gay?
A: No, just the ones that have sex with men.
Q: Do all computer geeks like science-fiction?
A: Nope. (Some of them loved your sister though.)
Q: Did HP really kill your goldfish? Come on!
A: HP KILLED MY GOLDFISH! Hewlett Packard killed my goldfish! It’s freaking true *sniff* Sparky!!!! I miss ya, Sparks! (and they never apologized!)
Q: What’s your favorite game?
A: Life. Real life.
Q: What’s your least favorite game?
A: Watching people pretend they’re stupid over and over.
Q: How many fingers am I holding up?
A: Three. Now go do your homework.
Q: I went to a bookstore and couldn’t find the search bar to find the book I was looking for.
A: They’re called employees, genius.
Q: Are Dell’s specials a good deal?
A: They’re smoking hot! 4.8 million users can’t be wrong!
Q: What is your favorite movie?
A: Don’t remember the name, but there’s this donkey and a woman in it and no, it’s not a porno. Sorry to disappoint. Sickos.
Q: Will the MPAA prosecute the people downloading popcorn off the Internet?
A: No, that’s a job for Linus Torvalds. He’s in control of the kernals…