If you ever come upon me at night in a dark alleyway breathing heavy, grinning like I just skinned the Cheshire Cat and holding a very large axe, don’t be scared. Don’t run. Don’t scream. Don’t see your life flashing before you eyes. Just call me Mr. Pickles and everything will be alright. There’s no reason to be scared as the light dancing off the already and previously mentioned axe blinds you. Just call me Mr. Pickles. Don’t run; it’s dark in that alley and you might trip on a homeless person and hurt yourself. You could fall and cut the palm of your hand open on a piece of metal and need a tetanus shot. They hurt. Just call me Mr. Pickles and everything will be alright. And whatever you do, please don’t scream for my axe is a bit “sensitive” and the screaming makes it cry red tears. Usually followed by more screaming. Don’t make Axey cry. Yes, my axe’s name is Axey, what of it? Just call me Mr. Pickles and everything will be alright. There is no need for your life to flash before your eyes, fellow alley walker. The re-show is usually disappointing to say the least and it’s awfully distracting, wouldn’t you agree? Axey agrees. It’s always wise to agree with him. Just call me Mr. Pickles and everything will be alright.

We’re just two people (and an axe) in a dark alley. So what of it? It’s not strange, after all, many people walk in alleys. Many many people for eons have walked in alleys, day or night since… well… there have been alleys. I bet even before there were alleys, people have walked in them. It’s not unexpected for fellow alley-adventurists to meet one another in one, through proper planning or accidental coming upon. And in all that time I’m sure there have been plenty of people traversing them with all kinds of things like hats, scarfs, packages and oh, yeah, axes.

Just call me Mr. Pickles and everything will be alright.

See, there’s no cause for alarm. Everything is a-ok. Keep on a’walking and don’t forget as you pass-by me (and my axe)… oh lovely, you just called me Mr. Pickles! That’s a good chap. See, everything is alright. Have a great night, fellow alley walker. And oh… one last small thing that’s hardly worth mentioning, neighbor…

You really don’t $%#@!ing think you’re keeping that wallet do you?

Just call me Mr. Pickles and everything will be alright…