Things I Lament by Vincent Navarino

That no one claps in movie theaters anymore
That Mozilla, with a small amount of success has adopted the arrogance and mistakes of Microsoft
That the Parker’s Creme Soda I recently purchased sucks and I still have 2 cans left
That for all their squawk Linux still can’t come up with a game as simple and popular as Bejeweled
That the woman from Dateline’s To Catch a Predator won’t return my calls. She’s H-O-T hot!
That no online TV guide (hear me Zap2It) will fill my screen’s width and show me more hours per page
That the people who play their car stereos loud never play my kind of music or drive by slow enough for my trebuchet
That most people that read this blog have to click this link to find out what the %^$#@ a trebuchet is
That people who drive hybrids are poisoning our earth with far more dangerous substances than fuel emissions
That right after I had my car washed leaf blowers attacked my car
That Blockbuster Online only has one copy of Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country to share w/a few million subscribers
That not enough people know about LOLCATS or ICANHASCHEEZBURGER
That there is no native or external proper support for dual monitors (dialog boxes should never open in the center of two monitors in stretched mode, stupid-heads!)
That skins don’t work if you use a later version of software
That the FX channel’s program schedule is as reliable as US Air (Riches is 60-78 min. long depending on the week?! $%#@ you!)
That I am not, right now, sitting down and munching on Mexican food w/my friends
That keyboards are not designed to explode when someone holds down the SHIFT key for too long
That cable channels beep! out obscenities. That was the promise *of* having cable in the first place!
That people used to be honest about being racists. At least you used to know who they were, now they all went underground and are much harder to find and corral. Except Mel Gibson.
That the Amber Alert does not apprise people of the monetary valuation / fluctuations of amber on the world market.
After freeing Keiko the killer whale and letting her live out her life in the open sea they buried her on land. Bastards!
That free puppies and kittens aren’t free. Even the ones they give away in cardboard boxes
That Mozart couldn’t hear his greatest works
That Blockbuster doesn’t have Howard the Duck *sniff*
That John Travolta can’t convince the studios to film Battlefield Earth 2
That I have so many things to lament
That more people don’t know me so they can love (or loathe) me
That I have never been sexually harassed in the work place
That every time you take your eyes off the TV, the channel you were looking for scrolls off the screen and you have to watch the TV guide all over again
That everyone has a stronger inferiority complex than me
That global warming won’t hurry up; I’m freaking cold
No matter how hard I try I can’t completely idiot-proof a computer from a complete idiot
That Stephen Colbert has still not sent me any of his AmeriCone Dream ice cream. I’ve been a loyal member of the Colbert Nation since the beginning, Stephen; is this how you treat your minions? Eh, comrade?
(moving on)
I finally lament that due to Stephen’s ignoring one of his most loyal followers by not sending me any of his ice cream, that I no longer have the strength or will to continue this lamenting post; I’m so sad right now that all I believed in is a lie (Stephen Colbert and his generosity towards his followers) that I have to end this post. *sniff* I really could use some ice cream right now…