For those of you who were paying attention, I was away for a week and a half, chasing my iPod Nano (the cool one, the 1st gen) across the globe because it decided to fly over 4800 miles at speeds in excess of 510 miles per hour at an altitude of 40,020ft. Why? I really, really don’t know. Perhaps my iPod was displeased that for most of it’s life it was stuck in a cramped iHome IH5 clock radio; only traveling to a local casino or two. Or perhaps when I was sleeping it was lured by a bad man to New York City while it was innocently cruising an internet chat room. He probably promised to treat it better; to take it for walks under the boardwalk and snap off a few pictures of it in suggestive poses after he gave it an intimately arousing, accessory-stripped rubdown / trust-massage with a lint-free cloth and some warm Brasso…

The sick bastard. No one intimately or erotically touches my iPod but me!

Any-whoo, after noticing my Nano was gone and putting the pieces of the puzzle together (after perusing my computer’s chat logs to no avail) and seeing the charges on my credit card for a ticket to New York City via Jet Blue airlines), I did the unthinkable. I got on an airplane; the first one I’ve been on in over 14 years and flew 2400+ miles to be re-united with my iPod before it succumbed to the influences of a mysterious stranger who was going to slip it out of it’s case, fondle it’s wheel only to violate it’s trust by jamming a cable up it’s shiny metal ass and enema-ing out all it’s mp3s!

The sick, sick bastard. No one jams a cable up my Nano’s butt and enemas out it’s mp3’s but me! Oh sure, the violating it’s trust thing, I’m OK with - but the enema cable up the bottom thing is just really really sick and people with mp3 players do it all the time and don’t even give it a second thought! If your mp3 player fills up, buy a new one you sickos! Don’t jam a cable into it’s electronic bowels and inject it’s colon with 1’s & 0’s so it forcibly expels it’s mp3’s all over the place; that’s freaking sick! How would you like it if someone does that to you? Huh?! (Hopefully no one will ever invent such a revolting procedure for us humans.) *shudder*

Well, the long and the short of it is that I did manage to catch up with my iPod Nano before it was violated, in the heart of New York City. Thankfully there was no bad man, no internet chat room seduction, no Dateline to Catch an Mp3 Predator…

While I was back in my family’s old stomping grounds, in the heart of the Big Apple I spent all my time surrounded by uncles, aunts and an infinite supply of cousins (and their computers of course ). I was back in New York, hanging out the entire time with family and enjoying every minute out of it, now that my iPod was safe.

I took the wonderful opportunity this sudden trip back presented by eating as much REAL pizza I could get my hands on, as well as other NY favorites like mustard-filled potato kinishes and Wise Bar-B-Q flavored potato chips. Oh, and good Chinese and Italian food (all of which you can’t get in Vegas).

*sigh* or should I say **urrrrrrrrrppppp!**

I stayed at my Favorite Aunt and Uncle In The Whole Wide World’s place while I was back in the city and every morning I got to read a real newspaper (Daily News), watch the real news on TV (NBC in NY) and ate fresh monster bagels. *sigh*

My Nano and I flew back to Vegas a few days ago and we’re both fine. I promised to take it out for more walks and it promised that it’s click wheel and shiny metal posterior was mine and mine alone… *sigh*

God Bless America. We’re back after going back. So how was your past few weeks?

Q: Does your steering wheel get hot to the touch in summer? - Andrew
A: I live in a desert, Andrew. EVERYTHING gets hot to the touch (even in winter!)
Q: What’s the best part about wearing gloves?
A: No fingerprints!
Q: Are you a geek? - Jennifer
A: Depends, Jennifer. Do you think geeks are hot? If so, damn straight, skippy.
Q: What’s the best part of being you?
A: Being me. There’s really no downside.
Q: Is there any computer you haven’t been able to fix?
A: No. I spay and neuter all computers to help control the PC population. Those Dells and HPs breed like #$%@!ing rabbits!
Q: Is there any such things as a superior operating system?
A: Sure. Whichever OS has more users. DUH.
Q: Is it true a geek would prefer a computer to a hot woman?
A: No, that’s a nerd. The two are easily confused.
Q: Have you seen the movies Hackers and War Games?
A: Yup. Otherwise I would be kicked out of the Guild of The Silicon Brotherhood.
Q: What is the Guild of the Silicon Brotherhood?
A: Holy $%#@!ing $%#@!, did I say that out loud?
Q: Yep. So what is it?
A: Let’s just say it’s members are made up entirely of the kids that couldn’t afford to go to Space Camp, ok?
Q: How many geeks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. We’re all too busy banging your sister.
Q: Just what the heck is this blog for?
A: When you find out please let me know; I’ve always been curious…
Q: How many computers do you have?
A: 3 or so running; the rest (5-6) are in storage. One is my main rig and the other is my spare box/ test rig.
Q: Why don’t you advertise your website?
A: Don’t need to. You found it. Looking into anti-advertising…
Q: How many hits do you get a day?
A: None despite a smart mouth thanks to quick reflexes that came in the same package as the smart mouth.
Q: What’s your biggest pet peeve?
A: I don’t have a pet peeve; I respect peeves enough to leave them in the wild, happy and free. I can’t stand people that capture peeves, break them of their spirit and make them wear funny hats for an audience of total dipwads.
Q: Are you a republican or democrat?
A: I wear boxers. Feel free to interpret.
Q: Why don’t you post about current events / tragedies like [tragic event reference deleted]?
A: There are too many people that do that now! You hear me, CNN?!
Q: What kind of shows do you watch?
A: Dirty Jobs, America’s Deadliest Catch, Top Chef and anything sci-fi of course like the Stargate(s), Battlestar Galactica and Smallville.
Q: Do you have any sisters?
A: Not that I know of unless Ma and Pa have been lying to me all these years.
Q: If you had a baby sister would you be a cool older brother?
A: I would SO be a cool older brother. The minute she wanted to dress up like a flower I’d put on my Frankenstein makeup and take her down to the lake and play.
Q: What was your most embarrassing moment?
A: (1) Raising my hand in the 6th grade when asked if I believed that George Washington cut down that cherry tree or (2) trying to avoid running into my reflection in a wall-sized mirror at an arcade when I was 10, looking up and thinking I had a twin.
Q: Do you make a lot of mistakes?
A: Everyone does. The key is learning to cover all traces you made them. Usually involves a shovel, shallow pit and a hundred pounds of lye.
Q: Do you have any pets?
A: As a friend of mine once said, yes. Her name is Cathy.
Q: Do you love animals?
A: It depends on which state is asking as to whether I say yes or no. Know your rights and the law, kids!
Q: Can you really juggle?
A: Yep. After years of “Live Cow Juggling” in chat rooms I learned how to do it IRL. (In Real Life)
Q: What’s the best part living in Las Vegas?
A: No snow. And watching stupid tourists. Both never get old. Oh, and watching the news to see how hot it’s outside and adjusting the central air accordingly.
Q: If you had a dream job what would it be?
A: Walking behind Jim Louderback and picking up all the hi-tech gadgets that fall out of his pockets! (Call me, Jim!)
Q: Are you ever serious?
A: If you screw over or treat a friend of mine badly, yes. Otherwise, no. And if my life ever depended on being serious, I’d be a goner.
Q: What’s your favorite song?
A: When driving it’s Tonight I Fell Asleep at the Wheel by Barenaked Ladies. Otherwise it’s Godsmack’s I Stand Alone.
Q: How long have you been into computers?
A: Since I was 16 and laid eyes on my first one, a TRS-80 Model I. It was love at first sight. *sigh*
Q: What animated character do you feel the most like?
A: Stitch! Disney stole my whole personality, and obviously modeled him totally after me. Not that I mind, I can do the voice and I think they got my likeness right. Cute, blue and fluffy…
Q: When will you stop answering our questions?
A: Now looks like as good a time as any!