ONE OF THESE DAYS:

I will learn to change with the blinds down in order to silence the deafening applause.
I will tell people how I really feel. Without the hammer.
I will learn the art of sarcasm.
I will learn to fly like Superman. Naked. Just to piss people off.
For a change of pace I will hug someone who wants to be hugged.
I will make a mistake and they will catch me. Bwa!ha!ha!
Netflix and Blockbuster will let me down at the same time.
I will have better friends. To do this I need to lie about the old ones to make them seem better, otherwise I have no chance.
I will climb the mountain, just to push the old guy off and start charging people.
I will walk up to the change booth at the casino and shout MAKE ME A LOBSTER FISHERMAN!
I will walk a mile in my father’s shoes. While he’s still wearing them.
I will not only laugh in the face of adversity but I’ll tickle the little fella too until he wets himself.
I will be merciful to those that don’t deserve it, for a change.
I will learn where Billy Mays lives and see if OxyClean really does get out blood stains. Lots and lots of blood stains.
I will wear a cape made of Vieux Boulogne/ Limburger cheese trimmed with Ritz crackers
(and a lovely butter knife clasp.)
Someone will do the smart thing and surprise me (see need new friends.)
I will learn to let go while performing autoerotic asphyxiation.
I WILL HUFF ARIANNA HUFFINGTON!!
I will do the impossible - be wrong.
I will save Schroedinger’s cat. That bastard tries to hide his cruelty to animals but I’m not fooled. You hear that you sick @#!%*er?!
I will reward my neighbor for learning a new trick. Taking out the garbage.
I will be as fortunate as all of you by learning how to bask in my own glory.
I will force feed supermodels and make a killing making Foie gras out of their bloated livers.
I will staple bread, butter-side up to the back of a cat and drop it to see if it will destroy the Universe. Just for kicks.
I will make the largest tree-shaped air freshener in the world and hang it over New Jersey.
The Sky will bleed red with my rage and the Earth will bleed brown with my ah… poop?
The word Thespians won’t sound so dirty.
I will get the studios to green-light Battlefield Earth 2 for John Travolta. Best Train Wreck, EVER! (Godzilla w/Matthew Broderick 2nd best.)
Netflix and Blockbuster will catch on.
The Internet will be filled with the angry cries of Star Trek Fans immediately after the 2009 Star Trek blashphemy comes out. Oh wait, it’s already happened before it’s released. Nevermind. (Don’t you just hate Trekkies/ers with their stupid homebuilt Time Machines? You don’t get this kind of hysterical toddler crying jags from Star Wars fans, even after Chapters 1-3.)
All the Sharpie markers in the world will dry up at once and force us to mug little kids for their $1 36 pack rainbow ones.