[Attention: the following information is a Navarino Unincorporated exclusive! Remember we brought it to you first! If anyone tries to pretend any of this information didn’t come from us we will train dogs to pee on your lawns and kill all your grass. If you have no lawn, we will give you one just so the dogs can kill it. Don’t. Screw. With. Us!]

I just want everyone to know that the following article is dedicated to an unidentified Navarino Unincorporated employee who was killed while obtaining and transmitting this exclusive, earth-shattering information from deep inside one of Apple’s secret Chinese factories. God speed, not so “Silent Joe!” You’ll be missed *sniff*. Our hearts and prayers go with your family. But not our money. Thankfully you signed the waiver.

The following image came from a batch of early advertising photos Apple had planned for the launch of the iPad. In the photo, that has never been released, there was a small blue badge of some sort in the lower right corner of the unit:

Using state of the art Photoshop technology, we enhanced the image and well, were not really shocked at what we saw. The badge clearly reads “iPhone inside.” Before Apple’s iPad came out, many people speculated that it was just a blown-up iPhone without the ability to make calls but even we were surprised by what we found out in the next image the late, not so “Silent Joe” transmitted to us just before he was killed by Apple’s security forces:

The iPad is not just a bloated version of the iPhone with no new features or technology but it is actually powered by an iPhone hidden inside the case with 2 huge batteries! The internal iPhone is crippled so the iPad cannot make or receive calls and further crippled still by using AT&T for connecting to the Internet. *Ugh*

But hey, buy an Apple iPad and get an iPhone for free! It’s like one of those cool buy one get one free deals. Except you’re buying something that’s really nothing with a hidden less of a something. *Ugh!* That sucks.

Apparently there are more spare iPhone’s out there than iTouches, probably because the iPhone uses such a horrible wireless carrier that people don’t want them and toss them in the trash out of frustration. This is probably why there are plenty of spare iPhones to power the iPad. Apple is also reportedly fudging their numbers by counting an iPhone sold when someone purchase an iPad (or shall we call it like it is, an iPad shell).

Some might notice that the second image is definitely from the leaked FCC tear-down pictures of the iPad but this particular picture did not get out. Until now! A man died to get this news out and we at Navarino Unincorporated thank the brave, dearly-departed, not so “Silent Joe” for giving his life to get Apple’s Latest Dark Secret™ out in the light of truth where it belongs. And on this site where it belongs too.

The iPad is a scam/sham! It’s a shell powered by an hidden iPhone and bought by poor, misguided people who thought the iPad would make them cool. Sure, they thought Apple’s computers would do that but when none of them did they bought iPods to be cool. And when that failed they turned to the iTouch and then the iPhone. Still undeniably not cool, they started looking towards the iPad as their last, best hope for coolness. But alas, coolness is denied again. It’s a sad, endlessly repeating tale of the desperately uncool that Apple keeps exploiting with now, old technology in a shiny, new, more expensive shell. Coolness still not included.

The iPad is a product that has no new technology. No new innovation from a company that professes it’s all about innovating is more than a bit of a letdown, even for me. It’s a shame. A shame that they believe they can now pedal three year old technology in a bigger shell with the same engine and still ask for more money from their desperate to be cool (but will never be) faithful? *gasp* Shame! Shame on you, Apple! Shame for your promise to make people cool time after time while never delivering! Shame on you for making a crippled tablet! And shame on you for killing not so “Silent Joe!”

Rest in peace, now “Silent Forever Joe”